For the record: my kids are no angels! They try my patience, drain my stores of energy, gnaw at my sleep, and keep trashing the space I’ve been trying to organize for months.
Kids driving you crazy?
I adore my sons. I write about them often. They do me proud, they challenge me, they have good hearts. My elder has already been “launched,” and this past year with him away has tugged at my heartstrings. I was delighted when he came home from school, and again, after his two months working and traveling overseas.
But after yet one more night of partying during which my 18-year old did not adhere to the requisite decibel level for reveling (he and his friends woke me three times during the wee hours), you could say I was not happy with his behavior.
And trust me – the next morning? He knew it. As if that weren’t enough, the meager square footage I worked so hard to clear and organize this summer has been usurped by teen luggage, duffel bags, unnameable crap, and six (yes six) reeking heaps of dirty laundry – just in the den.
Can you spell E-N-O-U-G-H?
Welcome to my new mantra: Put your kids to work! It’s a simple principle, right? Not punishment, though my tipping point was certainly the noisy night and realization of my own over-accommodation. Chores are part of life, and reinforce the fact that kids are part of the household team. Expected to contribute in ways they can.
The organizing To Do list (and more to come)
Here’s what the list comprised:
- Paint the hall walls and ceiling
- Repair the ceiling fan in the den
- Install tiny wall shelves I’ve had for two years
- Help with the six loads of laundry on the den floor
- Do the dishes, take out the garbage, run errands
- Help move a bookcase from the basement up into the house
- Clean aforementioned bookcase and install it in his brother’s room.
Organizing kids rooms
This was hardly the workload exacted of a chain gang, but what my son accomplished in a matter of 6 or 7 hours (with an occasional assist from his brother) would have been impossible for me.
There is also the dilemma of additional spiffing up and organizing for my younger son, who has been on a cleaning, sorting, reconfiguring streak of his own for the past two weeks. (I love it!)
He is designing the mural for his walls, has cleared shelves, found a perfect spot for the re-purposed skinny bookcase, rearranged his furniture, and is organizing his study area. It’s a very small space, requiring that he think through its usage and plan accordingly. Great exercise for a young man who wants to be an architect!
Chores – Too much or not enough?
When my boys were little, their dad would give them chores I found arbitrary, and at times, far too tough for little guys. He literally had them hauling logs up a wooded hill, and I would watch them struggle and cringe.
I’m a believer in responsibilities that kids can comprehend – where a punishment is clearly separate from a chore, and where each is reasonable. Yet I adhere to the premise that working hard teaches the value of what you earn, and contributing a hand is important, at every age.
- Do you put your kids to work on a regular basis?
- How much latitude do you provide when it comes to their rooms?
- Do you cut them too much slack when school schedules get tough?
My elder leaves this weekend, and I’ve got a list of remaining errands and small projects for him. He’s happy to help (and I think he enjoys the repair work). He also knows the result is a less frazzled mother, the car keys, and a good dinner.
Meanwhile, there’s more laundry. Those six piles? That was only the start of it.
BLW, I am a firm believer in chores. Even though my daughter is only four, she is responsible for putting her plate and spoon in the wash. She must pick up her toys if she expects to play with them the next day. She loves helping me around the house and we even fold laundry together (she does her own clothes, while I do everything else). It gives her a sense of accomplishment and cuts down on my to-do list.
Both of our children have chores. I’m a believer in work appropriate for the age. Javi has to feed the chickens before school, unload the dishwasher after school, set and clear the table at meal times, keep his room clean (all of those are daily), and clean the upstairs bathroom (this is weekly). Bella dusts, helps with setting the table, keeps her room clean, and puts away stray shoes. Eventually Javi will do more and Bella will take on some of his tasks.
I think requiring your children to work teaches them responsibility and pride in their work. It also teaches them gratitude, time management, and life skills. I have many friends who never did chores and they truly suffered for that as adults.
My son is at an age where he loves to “help”. So, I let him help in the kitchen, he takes his shoes off and puts them where they belong and he puts some of his toys away (though this is still work in progress). Next up is teaching him to make his bed (and he’ll be doing more and more as long as I’m his momma). I think that overall it adds to his self-confidence.
You go, girl!! Awesome Stepkid R. (a product of divorce where both parents wanted to be his “friend”) has enjoyed a pretty slick existence, chore-wise. Thus, his work ethic is crap.
Not the girls, darn it! Not on my watch! Miss D. is good about it, but Miss M. has a lot of learning to do!
That whole “be a friend to your kid” thing. Another discussion entirely – but, let’s just say, I’m not a fan.
My kids have always had chores, from when they were little and putting away toys. They all took a week at a time for after dinner kitchen clean up, and I divided the dusting/vaccuuming/glass, trash amonst the 3 of them for years. I probably do give too much leeway for when school gets overwhelming. But I guess I think of it as their job. School, that is. I am generally shocked by how many kids have no chores. I think a small number of chores make them feel part of the family, whether they like it or not.
So glad your boys are helping cross off your to-do list! It’s a home you all share (for at least part of the year) so it’s only fair that everyone chips in.
What I worry about with parenting? That I wouldn’t have the patience to let my kids clean up their own rooms. That I would want to swoop in and take care of it myself, instead of letting them live in disorder until they figure out they are responsible for their own space.
Yes, put them to work. My son is just two, but he at least attends most chores, and he will tell you he is “a BIG help.” Of course, he’s at a mimic-adults, helper kind of age. But we expect him to help pick up his toys, or clean up after messes or (some) accidents. We’ll add expectations and lists as he gets older – I’m a firm believer not only in practicing responsibility and contribution, but also in personal investment – the more they put in, the more they’ll appreciate what they get.
My four siblings and I didn’t have assigned chores, and only two of us offered to pitch in (I was one, but I’m the oldest, and a people-pleaser) – the others hid or feigned illness. With one exception, that act has persisted into adulthood. Yikes.
Yes to chores! My 12 and 13 yo boys not only mastered the laundry machine this summer, they embraced it! How much can you screw up shorts and t-shirts! My younger one loves to vacuum and they both definitely clean up after meals and load and unload the dishwasher. I think it is very important that they have a hand in the household chores–everybody contributes and everyone is respected; responsibility; teamwork–the faster we get this done together the faster we can all move on to something we enjoy doing. I have mom friends that actually say that they feel like slaves. How is this way of thought appropriate and why would anyone want to pass on this mentality to their kids?
It’s nice as the kids get older so that their chores actually help us out rather than mostly being teaching exercises (i.e. where we have to wash the windows after them so that they actually are clean).
This is an important topic and I resonate to seeking the balance between too much and too easy—as often I’ve felt like I’m running a Chateau & Relais resort hotel where I might have preferred to be a guest rather than staff.
I, too, am a believer in chores. At some point the kids have to understand that life isn’t all fun and games. But, I do find myself letting Sunshine off the hook too much. She is almost 6, so that’s old enough to at least put toys away in her room, etc. Yet, I am a 50/50 coparent, so I think I let her slide a lot because I want to do fun things with her when I have her. Which is a bad habit on my part, because I don’t want her to grow up thinking someone else will always come along and do all the dirty work for her. Bad mommy!
It can be a difficult balance, Jenn, and I think that single parent guilt kicks in at odd times (the desire to do “fun things.” We know our kids are a bit more pressed and stressed when parents are no longer together (whatever the logistical scenario), and there’s also the fatigue that comes along with that, for the parent(s). It does add to the complexity of the dynamic, especially as they get older and their time / activities / pressures increase.
I grew up doing jobs around the house, it was a given, so did my brothers. Now I am a mother, my children have jobs to do, as stated earlier we all live in together in this house which is considered our home. No, I don’t slack when school work gets hard, because I believe that’s just life. Yes, there are times when they complain and feel that one is doing more than the other, but I hold tight because I know it will serve them well later on.
Arggghh…you have brought up an issue that has dogged this mother for years. When my first husband and I separated and the girls were young, I felt a great deal of guilt and wanted to take care of them in a way that would make up for the divorce. Impossible. I taught them nothing about taking care of themselves. For me, the hardest thing to do is to remain consistent. When I say to empty the dishwasher, I mean do it now and if you don’t then there are consequences. Over the years, I’ve gotten better or maybe just more tired. My oldest has moved out and negotiated chores and life just fine. But I tell you since she’s moved back home, she’s falling right into “mommy take care of me mode.” Who could blame her? If I moved home with my parents, I would want my mommy to take care of me, too.
Yes, yes, and yes, Michelle. I understand.
this is so timely for me! as the school year starts, i am once again trying to set up a system of daily, weekly, etc., chores. my son seems to be of the opinion that he needs to be compensated for doing “normal” things like helping with cleaning, straightening his stuff, clearing dishes, etc. oy!
so….how is it going with the list?
Far more on the list than can be done, Amy. But, I am utilizing my elder son as much as possible before he heads back to college. And we’re already into the tiring struggle of overwrought (academic) schedules, too little time, and the all-powerful budgetary constraints. Welcome to family life in America!
It took me a while, but I’m finally getting serious about chores. And yes, I did use chores as a consequence for my daughter. Twice. She’s got laundry duty for the next month 🙂
I definitely have my kids doing chores, even the six-year-old. It’s a tough battle at times, especially because we live in a fairly well-off area. Apparently parents in this town do not make their kids do chores and mine tell me about it all the time. I don’t waiver though. Never will. And those same parents, when they come over and see the chore list on the refrigerator, and see my kids in action doing the dishes and wiping off counters while we socialize, they take a second look. They are amazed.