Do you think like a man?
Men do not equivocate. They do not couch their opinions in language that weakens the message. Women acquire softened speech, a habit of qualifying, and it pervades thought, feeling, and perception.
I am a woman. Yet I do not equivocate in my choice of words, my body language, or my decision-making. Except – and this is important – if it serves my purpose.
And that, in itself, is thinking like a man.
Men are schooled to be more goal oriented, doing rather than feeling. Focus is placed on destination rather than journey, and result over process.
Has this changed in the past twenty years? That’s not my impression.
Gender Roles, Gender Bias, Gender Pick-and-Choose
Am I looking to shed the beauty of my gender or to slot men and women into neat little boxes? On the contrary. But as a woman in a competitive world, we have things to learn from our men – just as they have much to learn from us. And we can choose how we think, if not necessarily how we feel.
If I say I think like a man, I will also mention that isn’t the case on every dimension. But I will say this: As a woman, I have greater freedom to think and act in ways that are both womanly and manly – and do so to my advantage.
How Men Approach Problem-Solving
Who hasn’t experienced the clear differences in men and women when it comes to solving a problem?
Most women wish for a kind and supportive ear, a discussion, and not Prince Charming swooping down with an instant solution. But that doesn’t rule out the fact that at times that’s helpful. It’s a matter of careful listening, and discerning when suggestions are being solicited versus desiring conversation to air concerns.
I like to offer solutions, but first I choose to listen and assess.
There are times to nod and support. There are times to offer suggestions.
Gender Think vs Gender Speak
What is Gender Think versus Gender Speak? What words take form inside your thoughts? What words do you choose before you open your mouth? This is an issue of developing habits in speech and acknowledging the confidence – or lack of it – that comes along for the ride.
Likewise, I’m recommending attention to body language, some of which emerges naturally. I have found that when I eliminate qualifiers from my speaking I stand up straighter. My tone is more sure. I come across with more authority. And my overall body language changes.
Our words and their delivery affect perceptions and thus, reality – our perceptions of self and those of others concerning us. Diction is a way in which we can transform ourselves at any time, and any place. It costs nothing to do so, and requires practice and observation as to how the change in language is working – effectively or not.
Life is not binary; in that way, I think like a woman, or a man who has some years under his belt. Black and white assessments are rarely on target, and there is no “one right answer” to most issues, with very few exceptions. Even those exceptions are based upon a moral code which is a product of western society.
My language – including inner dialog – reflects my appreciation of the grays, but it does so with assurance.
Think Like a Man, Act Like a Woman
I know there’s pop culture literature out there about thinking like a man and acting like a woman. Frankly, even those words confuse me. (Another sign that I think like a man?)
As for acting like a woman – I’m feminine, I’m flirty when appropriate, my body language responds when I am attracted to a man. I love my perfume, my hot shoes, my lovely attire, my inherent sensuality, my capacity for empathy, and my natural intuition. These are attributes which may come more easily, but not exclusively, to women.
And desire?
I am free to mask it or reveal it, as can a man – without ever speaking a word.
Do I really think like a man?
I think the way I think – in direct fashion and simultaneously considering multiple possibilities. I have learned, through practice, to express those possibilities with confidence and to shape their presentation as need be.
Romantic Interpretation, Reading Faces
Care for some examples of reading men as well as accepting that you cannot read a man? Or is this an issue of reading anyone until you know them, and even then you may be deceived?
- If a man isn’t calling, he isn’t interested.
- If a man says he wants X, he wants X.
- If the direct route doesn’t work, then a man takes an alternate path to get what he wants.
Take a look at some of the images here, of men. Their faces and their body language. Can you really read what’s behind the eyes? What’s behind the smile?
Is body language more telling than anything? With gestures and poses, do you know more?
Even if a man is direct, does that mean he won’t have multiple agendas any more than a woman will?
Of course not. We all have agendas, just as we all have times to go with the flow. Our capacity to read another’s unspoken objectives is a function of expectations, wariness, wisdom, and experience – or inexperience. Reading expressions cannot be perfected, but it can be improved.
Ironically, but not surprising – most think like a man, act like a woman articles I’ve encountered are targeted at women and deal only in the romantic arena.
Right. Is this yet one more way that men and women are different? Do women gravitate to emotional and interpersonal spaces, or are we in fact consumed by them?
Sex: Why I Think Like a Man
I do not believe we are meant to be monogamous. I love the idea of monogamy, but its practicality for thirty years? Or forty? Or fifty? I suggest that requires openness, curiosity, corresponding levels of libido, and luck.
I believe sex may be enjoyed tremendously, with or without deep emotional attachment. Passion does not convince me that I am in love.
Passion is one thing; love, quite another.
Even in the world of sexual fantasy, men and women are more similar than most (women) will admit, though love adds a dimension to sex that is extraordinary, and must be experienced to be understood.
Ambition: Why I Think Like a Man
I do not think about being happy; I think about feeling good, about achieving, about the journey to achieving and how good that feels. I set goals. I go after them with everything in me. I love the feeling of both – the process and the accomplishment.
Then I set more goals, and go after them with everything in me.
My goals include giving back. And I know many men whose goals include giving back.
I will clarify: My integrity is integral to my character, and I will not achieve my ends at the expense of my ethics or my relationships. I do not think of this as being “womanly.” I believe it is what used to be known as being an honorable man. In contemporary society we have lost sight of the value of an honorable man.
Love: Why I Think Like a Man
I understand that love is an expandable room of invisible forces. I know this not from stories in childhood, not from feel-good depictions in film, but from life experience. I understand that love is not an absolute, nor a single color, nor a single combination of behaviors or words.
Love does not conquer all. But life is richer with love in it.
I think like a man who is growing older. One who has come to pose questions. To look beyond surfaces. To take time for reflection. For men, this comes more readily with age or hardship, as vitality yields to vulnerability, which in turn offers fertile emotional terrain.
I understand human failing. I find beauty in the entity as a whole including the flaws. In this, I am very much a woman.
Men and Control, Manipulation vs Management
A desire for control is not gender-specific. There are controlling men, controlling women, and narcissism abounds in both sexes.
As women, we can learn from the context and ease with which men exercise a sense of control; expressing ourselves directly, without qualifying our language and thus compromising our opinions. Unless it achieves a goal – conciliatory, flirtatious, or whatever objective you have in mind.
Some may argue that this is manipulation, and that manipulation is at the core of a woman’s nature. I would respond that manipulation is a term that bears negative connotations. All euphemisms aside, manipulation is the mastery of getting others to do what you wish. It is a tool in negotiation, sales, management, counseling, teaching, and parenting. So let us use more palatable words less likely to offend: persuade, convince, or effectively manage.
Why I Am Glad to Be a Woman: Emotions
I believe women live closer to sensory and sentimental territories. And I am glad.
We feel our bodies rise and twist, ache and ease back. We feel this monthly for much of our lives. We feel this as life grows inside of us and for decades after. We dream this beating, rolling, roiling landscape, and it informs our judgments and our actions. We allow ourselves a wide sweep of emotions and their expression: sorrow and tears, joy and tears, delight and laughter, pride and smiles. We know our fallibility, and we should view this as a strength. We understand the value of our inner work and its ongoing pursuit.
Our culture supports us in all of this, though anger is frowned upon, and women are disparaged for expressing rage or outrage. This is a register of the emotional spectrum considered standard fare for men and “unattractive” or unacceptable in women. Similarly, sexuality as we grow older is more likely to be ignored in women, and assumed if not applauded when it comes to men.
Why I Am Glad to Be a Woman: Freedom
As a woman I am free to pick and choose those acquired and natural aspects of self that suit me. Some are traditionally feminine and others are traditionally masculine. Men do not possess this freedom; certainly not until they are considerably older. I hope this will change. For now, gender roles persist; men bear more expectations than ever, more confusion than ever.
A woman’s life is no less encumbered, but we have choices we do not fully recognize. Certainly, the way we speak. Certainly, aspects of the way we think.
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i thought it was clear that for the most part: men dont think
Excellent! (Chuckling.) In thinking like a man, I am making assumptions like a man. Real men do think.
For years friends and family have chided me by saying “You act like such a man.” What they mean is I see what result I want and then take the best path to get to it, I say what I mean and mean what I say, and I refuse to be encumbered by the over emotion that folks like to attribute to women. I don’t see any of that as a bad thing.
All I thought about while I was reading this was the Sex and the City episode where Miranda tries to f*&k like a man. 🙂
I do know that I use a lot of qualifiers and read people’s faces/body language even before I speak a word. I know that I ask for others’ attention rather than demand it. I defer. I am hesitant to speak up.
Good stuff today, Wolfie.
Ah, Kitch – I seem to recall that the very first episode of SATC was Carrie, experimenting with having sex like a man. I’m guessing it was a recurring theme at various points, and to Kristen’s point there is also the Berger episode of “he’s just not that into you.” Classic life lessons.
Kitch stole my line! (Almost.)
At the risk of being the person who refers to an episode of Sex and the City to answer any question (I feel like 2 out of every 3 comments I leave lately reference SATC), I am thinking of the episode in which the girls first meet Berger and he rather brashly tells Miranda that the reason a guy isn’t calling her is because he’s not interested . (Is that the same one Kitch means? Not sure.) And I think that revelation – and your excellent post today – do hit on some of the fundamental differences between many men and many women.
I know that I have personally wasted many hours trying to read more deeply into the actions of male partners, and to no avail. Usually, a spade was a spade, whether or not I wanted it to be a heart.
I’m interested, too, in thinking more about whether I’m okay with measuring my words and with buying into some of the other behaviors that may be read as traditionally female. As in anything, I suppose, doing something with intention is potentially empowering; doing something reflexively might not be.
To keep the SATC thread going, let’s consider Samantha and Charlotte, who I always viewed as feminine foils of sorts. Samantha’s outlook (her sex life, professional success, etc.) always seemed to me to be portrayed as traditionally masculine, while Charlotte’s demure neediness and desire for a relationship embodied the feminine. Then, of course, enter stage left Richard and Trey, completely reversing Samantha’s and Charlotte’s roles. OK, off to watch a few episodes and ponder my own feminine/masculine qualities …
I’m a man, and I feel free to choose my roles. I’ve been nurturing my kids for 10 years. But I don’t care what other men think about me. I dropped my ego years ago (the big ego, anyways)
You may feel free to choose your roles, DM, but relative to women and relationships, isn’t it hard to know what is expected of you? Macho guy? Nice guy? A little of both? Pull out the chair? Open the door? Etc., etc.? (Some of this may be regional or age-based; don’t know. I’ve definitely encountered some single dads over the years who aren’t sure what’s expected of them. To hear the stories they tell, I certainly believe it.)
I love being a man and can’t imagine being anything but one which is good I suppose. We communicate differently than women do, but feel just as deeply.
Over the years I have watched as female friends have given me their list of requirements for a male partner, sometimes in bemusement. One thing that I have found to be of especial interest is that my friends who are divorced seem to be seeking men that act more like the stereotypical man. Quite different than what I heard about 15 years ago.
I wonder about it sometimes.
Ah, man by checklist. Some of us have shed that particular behavior. In fact, some of us never had it to start with.
My husband tells me thinking like a man is basically thinking about having sex all the time. Or maybe that’s just him. 🙂
Although I have always believed philosophically in a type of serial monogamy throughout a lifetime, I do know that through my nightmarish early love life I found that I wasn’t built mentally, emotionally or physically for anything but monogamy.
Here is the issue–if a woman acts like a man, isn’t she considered a bitch?
Thinking like a man is something else altogether. I sometimes wish I could, but I can’t. (Though I am not into mind games like some women; I am pretty direct and honest, which has cost me some friendships. Not even men always do that.) Now that I’m married, I don’t read into men’s motives. I feel like I know my husband pretty well, and men have become a lot less of a mystery to me. That’s a relief, actually.
Jana, the “woman acting like a man” thing, you mean in the workplace? I ran into some of that in 80s. By the 90s, less so. More recently, not so much. That may have to do with my style or the organizations where I’ve contracted. Or progress.
Hey, I didn’t disagree with all of this! : )
I read this and thought about it all day (I believe I am 2 hours behind you). I don’t know whether men’s gung-ho attitude is an actual reflection of their genes or whether it is a product of their up-bringing. Girls are taught to be demure and apologetic while men are taught to be aggressive and to have a take-no-prisoners mentality. I think women are just as capable of those characteristics as men are, just like men can be as apologetic.
I know my husband often feels the need to apologize if he feels he is not doing/giving his best. Plus, if someone is not pulling his/her weight, he will often give them the benefit of the doubt while I, on the other hand, often tell him to not cut people slack! I think it is better that people learn lessons the hard way without being coddled. We balance each other out, you know?
The thing that really caught my breath in this post, was this line– “Men do not possess this freedom; certainly not until they are considerably older. Gender roles persist; men bear more expectations than ever, more confusion than ever.” What else could I possibly add?
Amber you make me smile. I do believe that men and women are inherently different. Nurture is only so much of the equation. Nature plays an enormous role. I saw this as soon as I had boys, at the same time as friends were having girls. Dramatic differences of all sorts. I’ve also seen it as my kids and their friends have moved into adolescence. Nonetheless, I believe we are capable of mixing it up much more than we do, as it suits us – men and women both. That includes women being more direct (certainly in their speech), personally and professionally.
You know, Wolf, it should be me talking about the inherent differences between men and women (given my religious background) (not to say you aren’t religious) (I hope that makes sense). I guess I hear so many negative stereotypes about both sexes each day that I get defensive. What you are saying, though, is quite true. Men are less likely to apologize and more likely to go after what they want. If we look at the evolutionary reasons behind this, it makes sense. In the early days of men’s inception (by “men” I mean men and women), the men hunted and gathered while the women took care of the children. It wasn’t exactly the women’s place to hunt. I’m sure if it was necessary they could do it, but for the most part their roles were quite divided.
In today’s world, women do not (always) have men to depend on. They must find their way through the murky waters. Our role is changing. Women are changing. It is good and bad. You talk about the “honorable man” and his disappearance? I often wonder what happened to the “virtuous woman.” (In a biblical sense.) With every evolution, we can see positives and negatives. While the negatives often worry me, I am very satisfied with how much good the women’s liberation movement has achieved.
Now that I have spent practically all night on the computer, I guess I should go and tackle those dishes. : )
Nothing is sexier than a strong woman. And when that woman is wise as well, nothing can stop her! Men and women will never truly be the same, in any area. We are created to complement each others’ strengths and offset each others’ weaknesses. Although many times we have different ideas of what complements! Great post full of thoughtful ideas and opinions.
I love your observation. But it’s interesting that what men and women find sexy in a woman is different. (If that made any sense.) Hmmm. Might be interesting to reflect on, and write about. What women think is sexy in women, and what men think is sexy in women.