Who are you? What are you?
Silly questions? Maybe not.
I know who my “dream self” is – and of course, what she does. And then there’s reality. So, when asked who you are or what you are, how do you answer? Is your response automatic and factual, based on your “here and now?” Does it come from a place of self-examination, or possibly – wishful thinking?
Vital statistics
If a stranger asks me who I am as I register at a conference, I provide vital statistics at a general level – my name and where I’m from, to situate me. If I’m speed dating, my answer is very different – still providing vital statistics (probably fudging a few), and adding some descriptive information that eases into the “what do you do” realm.
Often, we state who we are to provide context through relationship to someone else. I attended a school function last weekend and a woman said to me “Tell me who you are – you look familiar.” It turns out our kids had played together years ago. We then pointed to our teens and she quickly became “her mom” and I was “his mom.” From that context and relationship, our conversation grew.
What do you do?
These days, I’m busy writing, busy with my son, and money is tight. While I’m “working” (at writing, looking for work, and mothering), I’m not paid for these tasks though they consume 16 hours of each day of the week. So, going out and being asked what I do isn’t on the agenda, particularly since the assumption is “what do you do for a living.” At the moment, that’s an uncomfortable question. Still, when I do socialize, I have appropriate answers all of which are true, that I spin for the situation and audience.
The real challenge: issues of identity and self esteem that sit at the base of “who are you and what do you do.” They derive from how we spend our time, what is valued in our culture, and whether or not we’re paid for it.
When asked what I do (or “what I am”) I say I’m a writer and a mother. Sometimes I just say I’m a writer; other times, it’s full-time mom. It depends on the situation. And both are true, whether I’m paid or not. But we live in a culture where pay equates to value, and I still struggle with the fact that two jobs I love – and pursue – are not valued in our culture. A whole other discussion, I know.
Identity, self awareness
The “who are you” and “what do you do” questions dovetail, but more often than not, they bleed into each other. It’s problematic. While you aren’t what you do is true for most, it’s not exactly the case for me. If asked who I am or what I do, my answer is the same, just edited or elaborated as needed.
My identity and my life are both about learning and creating. Writing and mothering. So I am what I do. But I’m also more than that. I’m a woman, a giver, a friend, a lover of art, a marketer, a teacher, an introvert, an extrovert, a lover of language, an occasional source of entertainment (for my kids), and yes, it’s a partial list.
At the very least, I should include some French shoes. Now if only there were Louboutins in my closet as an illustration!
Dreams, introspection
Some of us look inward more than others. I admit, I do it on a regular basis. It helps me adapt to my changing world, and it’s my nature. I’ve always lived in my head, more than a little. And I like there!
When I periodically contemplate who I am, it’s generally because I sense I need to reassess, and change. It has to do with attitudes, behaviors, personality, belief systems – as well as circumstances external to my inner world that require a shift. Parenting teens requires this kind of shift, repeatedly. The more independent they become, the more we need to take a stance of loving distance.
So, I wander through the threads of self. I feel my way along those I want to tighten, patch, rip out, or replace altogether. These are discussions in my head – me, myself and I – so I may find a self I can live with. That self is a woman of dreams, of capacity, and competence – whatever my bank account may say to the contrary. She is also having to come to grips with getting a bit older, and what that means to the “who I am” and “what I do,” in all arenas.
Who are you? What are you?
And your own definitions as they seem solid and irrevocable? Your definitions as they change with time or circumstances that may surprise you? Your sense of identity based on how others perceive you, label you, and value you?
- Are you defined as a “self” first, and what does it include?
- Are you defined as someone’s spouse, child, or parent?
- Do you feel apologetic or uncomfortable when asked what you do?
- Are you introspective? Do you reassess from time to time, to shift who you are?
A last note on identity
Some of you know I’ve been working on migrating to a dot com, and for those who have so kindly assisted, I thank you. If you visit Daily Plate of Crazy you will see that almost everything is moved in (hooray). I have some tidying up to do here at WordPress (a redirect in the next day or two – fingers crossed). I hope for no noticeable interruption, and anticipate writing from the new address later this week.
If you stop by this address as usual, the redirect should pop you over to my new place. Otherwise, please plan on finding Big Little Wolf at Daily Plate of Crazy just with a new dot com address. As if I scooted all my belongings next door! If I’m in your blogroll (thank you), if you wouldn’t mind putting in the new address late this week, that would be delightful. (I’ll also drop an email – sort of like a change of address card.)
Meanwhile, thank you – for reading and discussing, and being part of who I am and what I do – learning and creating.
© D A Wolf
“So, I wander through the threads of self. I feel my way along those I want to tighten, patch, rip out, or replace altogether. These are discussions in my head – me, myself and I – so I may find a self I can live with.”
This is me. Wandering, often aimlessly, through the threads of self. Feeling my way. Sniffing out areas of potential change and evolution. And, yes, there are always discussions in my head. It is a relief to release those discussions on my own blog and in the comments sections of certain blogs I love.
I think so much of living – and, yes, blogging – is about identity, about figuring out and fumbling with who we are, with taking the reigns in our own maturation as individuals.
Thanks for asking the big questions.
Like you, and like Aidan, I see the process of writing as one of discovering and establishing self. Before I started to write with a purpose a few months ago, I would have answered your question, “Who are you?” with some jumbled reply about my kids and husband. But now I am starting to give some more credit to myself, starting to remember that I am a Me in spite of (and enhanced by) those other roles.
I still don’t have a great answer (“I’m a skeptical optimist” doesn’t quite roll off the tongue…), but I feel like I’m getting there.
I can relate to your words here on many levels. Like you, I wish I got paid for all that I do and am but instead I watch other people get paid large salaries for being a$$holes. Just goes to show that salary does not equate value or worth.
I wish you luck with your move and will of course, follow.
I never ask people what they do. I ask how they spend their days. It’s funny – most don’t know how to answer. “Um, you mean at work? Or what?” Answer however you like.
We are more than that which we do.
BLW —
As you know from reading some of my posts, I have a kind of evolving, sometimes conflicted relationship with the online world (although my professional writing gets posted “here”) and the world of blogging in general (although I never shut up).
I just started, with some other gal pals, a non-virtual support group for some of us who need a little motivation to kick it up one step higher in our careers.
But it seems that a lot of your writing life is online right now.
So I guess I’d like to gently ask, since you have so many fans who really love your work and since you are clearly comfortable online — how can “we” help in your job search? Does anyone who reads you have a non-virtual network in your geographical area? Maybe we could try to put this virtual power to work for you?
You are a writer and a mommy. Two, as you mentioned, undervalued occupations. We have exchanged e-mails about this before, yet I still wanted to share something.
While writers and mommies do not have dollar signs accompanying their job description (unless you are JK Rowling), they have value in other ways. You have the power to influence what your sons make of themselves. You have the power to write a work will make others think and -perhaps- change their own faulty reasoning.
As for me, I am a mother. A mother who enjoys writing. A mother who continues to educate herself. In some ways, I am defined by being my husband’s wife, or my daughter’s mother. Yet, once I get to know people on a deeper level, these identifications dissolve. I become me. Whoever that is (a discovery yet to be made). Identity theorists contend our identity shifts and changes through the years. That is me.
I am often reassessing myself. I think this is an important process.
Who I am transitions from day to day. At times moment to moment. I’m a writer, mother, friend, sister and daughter…all of which require me to be who I need to be for each role.
At heart I’m a woman. One who lives inside her head and her heart. And loves discovering over and over again who I am.
Congrats on getting the domain set up!
“When you tell grown-ups that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, “What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?” Instead, they demand: “How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?” Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him.
“The proof that the little prince existed is that he was charming, that he laughed, and that he was looking for a sheep. If anybody wants a sheep, that is a proof that he exists.” And what good would it do to tell them that? They would shrug their shoulders, and treat you like a child. But if you said to them: “The planet he came from is Asteroid B-612,” then they would be convinced, and leave you in peace from their questions.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince
I told some new people I met back in October – I had been in a new gig for about a month – that I was a freelance writer. That truly sparked some interesting conversation. I was amazed. At that time, I also did some political consulting and mentioned that later in the conversation. I think the writer is more what I identify with, though I am a political junkie.
Just an aside, the redirect worked flawlessly today!
My biggest internal struggle lately is “who I am”. There was the me in my past that I was proudest of On Paper. An MBA, a senior manager at a prestigious company, blah blah. There is the me today that I tend to be uncomfortable with because I’m neither here nor there. As much as I love being a mom I tend to respond to people’s question of “what do you do” with reservation. “I’m at home with my kids – For Now” is my response. For now? Am I looking for a job? What is it that I want to do? I add the “For Now” because I think it gives me more credibility. How sad. And when I hear people ask my husband what his wife does, I hear his hesitation as well. “She’s with the kids but consulting a bit too.” No I’m not. I’m not consulting. I haven’t consulted for a year. I guess he wants “more” for me too.
I am with you 100% that I am what I do but with edits depending on who I’m speaking to. I am H and L’s mom. it’s how I see myself and describe myself and how I spend my days. It’s my identity. But I know, and those close to me also know, I’m so much more, but it’s not always apparent on the surface.
I loved this post. Something that I think about All The Time.
Thank Goodness nobody feels like they know who they are, either!!!! I’m 40 and still have very vague ideas.