Weepy. That was me, yesterday.
Tears of joy, and yes – sentimentality. Remembering poignant moments when my sons were younger, and realizing that my second little bird will fly the nest before I know it.
Tears, tears, and more tears.
All good – because afterward, I felt better. 
What makes you cry?
Men and Tears
Boys don’t cry.
How many times have we heard that uttered as an instruction, or said it ourselves? We teach boys to display a more restrictive set of emotions than girls.
My own sons (raised by me) were encouraged to feel and express a breadth of emotions – and certainly saw their share from me. I also taught them that what is fine in private is not necessarily fine in public. Tears were allowed. Still, they stopped crying in the tween years. I’ve seen them cry since, but it is rare. Because of that, when it happens, I know the pain is extreme.
Women and Tears
I won’t say that girls and women cry all the time, but we aren’t judged for crying. So we do so, more often and more easily. Perhaps because we do so more often and more easily, we aren’t judged for crying?
Crying is one of the few ways in which women have greater freedom than men. In fact, it is often expected that we cry at weddings, films, memories, or over stress. Some of us do. Some of us don’t. Do our tears help?
Sometimes, are they an annoyance or even a hindrance?
As babies and children, crying is as natural as laughing. What happens as we grow up, especially to our men? When I encounter a man who sheds a tear, I find the honesty of the emotion reassuring, along with the willingness to express it. To me, vulnerability is a plus, not a weakness.
Certain Emotions Make Us Uncomfortable
We live in a culture where specific emotions make us uncomfortable.
Happiness? Fine.
Anger? Ironically, also acceptable.
My observation: in a circumstance which causes a woman to cry (appropriately), a man will display anger.
Perhaps because what’s acceptable in a woman is less so in a man? A cultural shortcoming?
We know how to respond to smiles. They’re infectious – and who doesn’t want to feel good and be happy? We’re less equipped to deal with someone’s grief, sadness, or confusion. We’re less able to listen, to embrace, to console. Tears make us uncomfortable.
When is it Acceptable to Cry?
When are we “allowed” to cry?
A breakup, an injury, a death, or the jubilation of a long-awaited event are all appropriate reasons to shed a tear. We are allowed to cry when someone dies, or abandons us. We are allowed to celebrate life with tears, and we may do so (in moderation) in public, and in private.
Where do we stow our emotions when they are disallowed? The extreme frustrations and pressures that we face daily – in jobs, with kids, with spouses and partners when things are on a rocky path? Especially if we’re tired or in physical discomfort, which adds more stress to the mix?
Wouldn’t it be easier to shed a tear of joy, or pain, and experience the release that comes afterward?
In Your Experience –
- What do you think of men who cry, or never cry?
- Do women cry too much?
- Do you cry more since you’ve had children?
- Do you cry in front of your children?
- Did you ever see your father cry?
I cry all the time – in front of friends, every single boss I’ve ever worked with, my children. It’s my children I fret about – I think teaching them that expressing emotions is healthy, but I don’t want them to worry if I cry too much. I can already see my daughter trying to cheer me up, trying to take care of me, and that makes me even sadder.
Many thoughts from this post, though not all formed yet. Thank you!
I didn’t cry until my 30’s. I was also a pent up mess until then. Only when I had a “break down” and was forced to process feelings did I realize that stuffing feelings and refusing to cry only makes it worse. I cry often now when I am sad; over my divorce, over missing my daughter when she’s away, when my grandmother died, etc. In my opinion, “Real men don’t cry” is what emotionally closed off people say. Becoming vulnerable to my own feelings has opened me up to experiencing and respecting other’s feelings and made my relationships better.
BLW, for all of you who read yesterday’s posts by me both on my blog as well as on singlemommyhood.com, I’d encourage you to take a look at my blog today for an apology as well as a clarification of what I meant. So easy to take things out of context in short blurbs, but sometimes the meaning of the writer is not what the reader hears. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/2009/11/hornets-nestand-apology.html
Growing up, crying was scorned. I learned to hide all my true feelings under a mask of anger. My husband has helped rid me of this disguise. I cry more now than I ever have before.
My husband cried when my daughter was born, I when my son was born. I would say I cry more since having children. Pregnancy screwed me up : ). I think because I am trying to teach my children that all emotions are acceptable, I am more willing to believe that is true for myself.
As for women who cry too much? It just depends. I had a roommate who cried over everything. Hers was unnecessary crying. Maybe I just think that because she bothered me in other ways.
What makes me cry? Watching Oprah- at least once a week!
It’s interesting because I tell my seven year old to knock off the tears from time to time. Am I disallowing his tears? Am I too hard on him? It is at times when he is stressed or frustrated over something that is silly, in my mind, and so I ask him to buck up, and get over it.
I have only ever seen my husband cry two times. Once from grief. Once (just last week, ironically) from stress.
My father? I don’t know if I ever saw him cry. Wait. Once. One time. One time when he was recounting to me – during one of our long “fight/lecture” sessions – a time when he was so proud of me for helping a disabled classmate in first grade.
And me? Tears. Yes, please. But I prefer the kind that fall during a heartbreaking movie rather than the kind that accompany a cup of coffee being thrown down the stairs at someone’s head. Not that that’s ever happened or anything. Not that there are surely unreachable coffee stains in the stairwell of that rented abode.
The tears flow freely here, but they’re mostly coming from the little guys. I found myself wondering the other day: When will be the next day that no tears are shed in this house?
But I cry much more since having kids. I feel all emotion more extravagantly – the highs are higher, the lows are unbearable.
We didn’t cry much in the house where I grew up. My mom occasionally; my dad never. Literally.
My husband grew up in a crying house. And I’m grateful for that. His connection to his own emotions is one of his greatest qualities.
That’s so weird. I just thought this a.m. that I haven’t had a good cry in a long time. Not that I feel like I need one, purely in the sense that it’s a good emotional outlet.
Clearly, I’m okay with crying!
A man that cries is usually in touch with what he is feeling. Knowing one’s own emotions is important in life and in a relationship. I worry about men that never cry.
I guess I am not sure what is too much. As I have aged, I have gone through periods were commercials would make me cry. It is not a big deal to me. There are times I cry openly and times I cry by myself.
I do cry more since I have had children. Yes, they have seen me cry. I do not hide distress, vulnerability, fear, or joy – just some of the reasons I cry – from my children.
I do not recall ever having seen my father cry.
My view:
– When men cry – I think it’s positive. They feel comfortable being in touch with themselves. Further, they are less likely to hold the gender stereotypes that you mentioned in your post (i.e. “men don’t cry”). Of course, if he cries more than I do (I cry A LOT) – then I may be somewhat off put because of MY own gender stereotypes (i.e. A man is tough, he is the protector). I have to watch out for my own judgments!
– I have always been emotional, and cry for a variety of reasons (I AM a woman that cries “too much”) – mostly due to hurt feelings and associated insecurity. As I’ve become more confident, tears seem to come less over hurt feelings and more over frustration from the inability to assert my position effectively. I can relate to why toddlers throw tantrums – tears have their own voice.
Over the course of my marriage and breakdown – I feel a bit conditioned to hold back tears for fear of anyone perceiving me as “weak” – even though I don’t perceive others this way. I will cry less often, but more intensely when it does come. Tears are inevitable.
– I cry less now that I have a little girl, oddly. I think I am more distracted by life, and don’t let myself come down as often to FEEL.
– My father was an emotional man. Every emotion he felt was INTENSE – from Anger to happiness to sadness. I tend to be this way too.
I don’t cry very often. And yet, if I let it, this post might make me cry. Why? Because I have been through a fair bit in the last year and a half with losing my father and I don’t think I have let myself feel it all yet… I have been very good, too good, about keeping it together around my kids. And the problem with that? When you are a mom to young children, you are always around them and that leaves little time to allow yourself to feel things. And I did see my Dad cry. Once. Not too long ago. And the image of that is both haunting and exquisite.
Okay, on to lighter stuff or I will lose it. I am very interested in the different messages we send to boys and girls about emotional propriety. I think we should raise every single kid to express emotion when appropriate. I do not think we should endorse cry fests all the time, but it is an important life skill to manifest hurt.
I have encountered several men in my life who are both very masculine and sensitive. I like it when a man is able to explore emotions and cry. Not all the time, but sometimes. To me, the ability to cry is often a badge of strength, not weakness.
As always, you fascinate me.
My replies:
Yes, I like to see a man cry — but not often. It’s terrible to say perhaps, but I can’t imagine living with a major male crier. It would drive me around the bend which would not be a long trip.
I can’t stand it when women cry all the time. It’s like crying “Wolf” — if you’ll pardon the reference. A good cry from time to time, fine; teary because we’re moved by something, perfectly OK; but always crying and using it as a method to get something or weaken someone else. I hate it.
I don’t know whether I cry more since I’ve been a mother, but I seem to cry more period. Is it hormones do you think? I’m not a HUGE crier, never have been, but more things can make me teary.
Yes, I’ve cried in front of my daughter. She was wonderful and understood everything without a word.
No, I never saw my father cry. He died when I was 10. I would think he was the type of man who was capable of crying because he was tender and loving.
Is that too much information?
When I have cried in front of my children, they have …
LAUGHED at me. This is not cool. And I don’t understand it. And, frankly, it makes me want to cry more. Thoughts?
My mother always described me as “overly emotional” and “hyper sensitive”. Why? I suppose because tears have always come easy to me. I don’t mind my easy access to tears as I also have easy access to laughter.
I cried when my grandpa died a few years ago. i also cried when my best friend died. other than those two, clearly important events, I cry during certain movies. Cinema Paradiso is one that got me good when I saw it.
I think crying is exceptable when it can’t be helped. I also think though that too many people manufacture tears because they like drama. They like the attention that tears bring. for me crying is a serious matter. to minimize it by overuse dilutes the really important times.
My mother was similar in her assessment of my tears, yet she herself was often emotional to the point of drama (Keith’s reference).
There’s a time and place for everything, as my grandmother (who understood propriety and appropriateness) would’ve said. We needn’t wear our emotions on our sleeve, but to have ready access to expressing them seems like a plus, not a disadvantage.
What’s this? I think I got piece of sand in my eye… look away!
Some women see men as needing to be strong. Crying during really heart felt moments are seen as good and endearing. But do it too much and you can be seen as a pansy. Too in touch with your emotions makes it so nothing get’s done.
So I hear.
Choking up I’ve done. Full on crying? Twice. And no I don’t want to talk about it. 🙂
As for crying, I stopped a long time ago and only cry now when there’s a sad scene in a movie or when my dog died a few years ago. I teared up at both my parent’s funerals, and when they died, but not as much as I wanted to. I guess I learned to repress it and it isn’t a good thing.