There was a babe, a push-up corset, a little bit of rock hard belly peeking through. One chic cuff on the left wrist. Hourglass figure, strong thighs, black boots, and big, batting, heavy eyelashes, the false kind, though her eyes were sharp and aware as she readied for attack.
She was more than an action hero, she was real. She was powerful. She was me.
The villain was more elusive, though fresh in my mind – a skinny, heartless woman, with a wan complexion and short, straw-colored hair. First she flashed us, then pummeled us, cackled, and disappeared.
But her voice hung in the air, as she boasted: “I can morph into anyone or anything. I inhabit bodies. I pulverize lives. You can’t see me, you can’t know me, and you can’t hold me. But I can finish you off… anytime I please.”
She startled her victims. Assaulted them with impropriety. Slammed them into oblivion. Worse? Her hovering promise of doom.
Babe in arms
Okay. So it was a dream. But what self-possessed woman isn’t the Action Babe these days? If not quite Lara Croft, then close enough – poised to ward off trouble, ready to leap into the fray, to fight the good fight – defend against the enemy!
The problem is – how to wrestle the villain you can’t quite see?
As I woke, adrenaline pumping, it didn’t take Freudian analysis to understand the meaning of my sleeping script. It wasn’t about powerlessness exactly, more like power insufficiency – whatever I had and whatever I was, it just wasn’t enough for the job at hand.
I stood in front of Mr. Coffee, pondering. What if I could assemble a force of my own?
Search for allies
I hopped on the Internet for action figure recruiting. And surprise, surprise – among the first I found in the online universe – Sarah Palin! I would’ve preferred Tina Fey… But my, how populated this brave new world of so-called superheroes has become. I found old friends and new – like Wonder Woman of DC Comics (those bracelets! those boots!), and Wolverines and vampire slayers…
But in my dream, Action Babe was inactive – dressed for the party but no way to get there. Stuck in a holding pattern.
Myth of Sisyphus? Certainly. The contemporary version. The stubborn art of try try again, as you battle uphill tasks, only to fall down, get back up, fall down, and rise again to fight the good fight.
But which fight? And how many times?
Hold another day
I’m all about action, but where is forward movement? My crazy plate overunneth with days dribbling away with non-stop activities, noise, chauffeuring… check after check written for clothes, books, supplies, unexpected doctor visits, special classes, unforeseen expenses… house guests sleeping in closets, adolescent all-nighters, teen trips out of town, interruptions, interruptions, interruptions…
What of my magic powers? My certified SuperHero-SuperMom status?
And my pocked and punctured ability to effectively search for jobs or projects? Surely, this is the worst holding pattern of all – the conflict between necessary parenting and the chase to make a buck…
The lost dream
The dream? Action Babe – no longer stymied by invisible forces, by the evil adversaries of unemployment and “over qualification,” no longer felled by the most devastating foe of all – the inability to provide.
The climb back up is growing steeper, and the boulder, heavier. My powers, mighty though they are, weaker.
And I’m just one of millions in this lonely, downhill slide that erodes more than the earth beneath our heels.
Superwomen and supermen – rally your forces!
Have I canned my cape? Sold off the silver bullets? Not just yet.
I’m Action Babe, and I’m ready to rock! Parenting is full time, job searching is full-time, but single motherhood (or fatherhood) is a powerful motivator, despite the dwindling promise of a (tarnished) brass ring.
What do we need?
Backup!
It’s time to bring in the full team. Backup. Hell, Annie Oakley was a damn fine shot. Swell hat, too. And the over-the-shoulder mirror trick was nifty.
Natch, I’ve got a call in to Moses. And Einstein.
Nice Jewish boys. Bad hair.
But Moses managed 40 days and nights in the desert, hauling those hefty commandments about, not to mention the gift for parting the waters. He’s got connections, and a strong back.
As for Einstein – admittedly, the man was a square, but no slouch in the field of moral relativity.
My plan?
We need a summit. A suitable brain trust to right the wrongs in foreign affairs and rectify the global economy. ACTION FIGURES FOR GOOD – UNITE!
Sorry Sarah Palin; cute skirt, but you’re not on the list. 
Scores of others to invite though – sci-fi heroes and heroines, literary legends, philosophers, scientists, and musical giants who rock it out. Action figures abound in every area, just waiting to be called into service.
Specifically? (A sampling)
There’s Lunch Lady to keep us fed and keep us grounded, Jesus for his idealistic teachings (and more connections), da Vinci for his inventiveness and foresight, van Gogh for his insane creativity, and Houdini who could show us all a trick or two about escaping conventional wisdom.
Houdini’s also a cautionary tale, when it comes to hubris.
We’ve got the practical, the inventive, the creative, the crazed, the spiritual, the revered, the irreverent, the dreamer. Isn’t that a formidable presence, when it comes to facing down our economic woes?
…
What’s next? A plea!
President Obama – consider this an impassioned plea from Action Babe – I want my full powers back! We all do… our powers to parent and contribute. So we wish to convene the aforementioned assemblage.
Not to worry – we travel light, and are available immediately to join you on Martha’s Vineyard.
Lovely place. Nice bike paths. Pretty roses.
Besides, we know that a presidential vacation is a working one. So we’d like to throw in together, offer our skills and grit – and let’s face it – cool accessories.
Oh… one more delegate – marketing guru Seth Godin. He’s a millennial man of action, untangler of bullshit, and comes nicely packaged with a mystery gift, mini-book, and scandalously mismatched socks.
Best of all – he wields sharp wit to make cogent points, and he understands that even superheroes on their best days can use a great line, and a little PR.
……
This was really funny and entertaining. I love all the female action figures and all the thought you put into finding them and pointing out how we women are encouraged to identify with them even when they are unrealistic.
But you lost me when the solution to women’s losses in the current economy was to enlist “smart” and heroic men. Just looking at your pictures at the solution stage in this post and noting the only woman included is “lunch lady” doing the typical gendered job of feeding the men was really depressing. (not to mention the absence of poc in action world) Where are the heroines you mention being included, or the religious leaders/figures who are women (Shiva? Mother Theresa? Joan of Arc? Gaia?)
I think you’re right to posit a solution that includes men and women, just wanted to see as many women as solution makers as there were heroines at the beginning. (and some poc, besides the Prez, wouldn’t hurt.)
When I said I found the post funny, I meant that I enjoyed the entertaining tone with prose like:
“ACTION FIGURES FOR GOOD – UNITE!”
or uses of the words
“natch” “action babe” and “evil adversaries of unemployment”
I think anyone would be hard-pressed to argue that you were writing a dry, matter-of-fact piece, devoid of humor.
I also found the juxtaposition of pop culture kitsch with the economic crisis and anxiety to draw in readers which I particularly ingenuous. And it certainly worked to bring me in.
I don’t think anybody would find the situation itself funny nor imply so.
As for my comments about gender and race, I think you’ve missed my main point which is that your *prose* offers the solution of going to male thinkers and male deities for the answers; your “brain trust” names no actual women except the lunch lady. Even Annie Oakley is undermined by the sentence
“But Moses managed 40 days and nights in the desert, hauling those hefty commandments about, not to mention the gift for parting the waters. He’s got connections, and a strong back.”
Later you mention superheroines and religious figures in your prose, but, as I said in my first comment, do not mention any women. This prose is then supported by the images, I refer to specifically as well. It wasn’t one or the other, it was both. Tho I admit that had the prose mentioned women, I would have been less concerned by the images.
I’m also concerned you weren’t able to find any people of color or more women action figures in 5 hours of searching. Since none of us are paid for blogging we all have out limits and 5 hours certainly would have been mine, if not sooner.
On the other hand, I was able to find several action figures of color, including women of color, especially superheroes who pretty much all have figures made these days rather quickly. The same for white female superheroines and Joan of Arc.
Pay images are always a drag but copyright takes on many forms on the internet. What I have found is most non-paying images on sites have some kind of instruction on how to cite material. Several of the comic book giants tell bloggers how to do that on their pages b/c they know people will be using their images, as do movie studios, who tend to be a little less quick to share images. For instance, Laura Croft is a copywritten image and any likeness has to be cited while many historical figures turned into action figures do not. I was surprised to find Obama and Hillary Clinton have quite a few, while Michelle Obama, Sandra Day O’Connor, and Nancy Pelosi have nothing on the amount of Palin figures. (I was actually surprised to find any of those women besides Palin and Clinton.) And was a little ashamed I had not thought about Marie Curie or Cleopatria (who seems to be sold by the same company that did the image of Annie Oakley you have in the post) until I saw them. I may even have to buy the Malcolm X and Liz Sherman and its a shame Hermoine is sold out! I’m digressing b/c I am actually excited by all the available options!!!!
To get back on point, sorry, It helps to type in specific names of ppl or characters in google b/c it is terrible w/ generic searches especially as you point out for women and poc.
Finally, I agree that it would be unlikely to find action figures of non-western deities. I was only able to find Christian ones: Mother Teresa & Esther. After all the success with other searches, that was particularly disappointing tho perhaps telling about cultural differences.
I like the Moses action figure for some reason. And Harry Houdini (I know he’ll escape!)
I sometimes feel the same way. I’m still a super man, but searching for that planet to save. Or city. An elderly woman crossing the street?
It takes vision, perseverance, and tenacity toward an unwavering goal for dreams to manifest.
I must admit, I also like the Jane Austen action figure I saw. Though seems to me she just needed to sit and move one arm. Now Lunch Lady, on the other hand… not only great for dishing it out, but looked like she could take it, too. And I’m sure the hair net gives her super powers.
I’m thinking I need one of those, to make the world a better place.