I make the distinction between divorced dads and single dads of other types because, let’s be honest, divorce is often a long and contentious process. Approaching a new relationship – sexual or otherwise – carries mixed emotions. After all, I’m a divorced woman who’s been through it – from separation to the first year or two in a new “status,” to re-entering those tumultuous dating waters. And having written about sex and the single mom, I wanted to hear from divorced dads.

The data

While I don’t claim to have representative data, I do have input from both sides of the Mississippi and – you guessed it – France.

And my, my, but you dads are discreet! I am impressed. It’s nice to see that most of you do not kiss-and-tell. But you did lend a bit of your experience to my informal queries, which may help some of our single moms know what’s up as we try to decipher your behaviors. So thanks to the dads who provided a few tales and tidbits, which was enough to share what follows.

Booze and booty

• No surprise here, but booty calls are alive and well, including among men in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. And yes,  alcohol is often involved.

• Internet booty calls are very popular as an initial method of meet-and-greet, leading to a cocktail or two, and you-know-what.

• When it comes to Internet dating – the visual still rules! That initial photo makes a big difference – for both sides of the gender divide.

• Men do lie about age, height and relationship status; some figure it’s irrelevant, particularly if booty is the objective. (Women do this, too, from the stories I’ve heard from men.)

• Men don’t care so much about a woman’s lies – if they’re just looking for a hook-up.

• If a man likes a woman, honesty is important, right from the start.

“No thanks” is rare, but not unheard of

• Divorced dads can score pretty easily, if they choose to. Not all do.

• Some men seek emotional attachment, or at least a “liking” for the lady before bedding her, and that may take more than a few dates.

• Sex on the first date often means no seconds – date, that is. And generally, it’s a relationship killer.

• Those initial impressions are indelible – resemblance to a photo (if Internet-introduced), scent, voice, smile.

• Getting back in the game isn’t a given; it takes time for re-entry, both to socialize comfortably, or to score.

Hot in bed, luke warm in life

• For many who are newly divorced, it’s all about the sex; for some, it’s an attempt to heal through relationship. (Guys, the same is true for the women I know.)

• Great sex doesn’t require emotional connection, and a great relationship doesn’t guarantee great sex. No scoop here! But we are reminded that sex and love are not one and the same.

• That aside, many intrepid divorced dads are looking for both!

Kids and privacy

• Separation of church and state seems to be the rule. Divorced dads don’t bring someone around to meet their kids unless there’s a relationship. It needn’t have run-off-to-Vegas in the future, but it’s more than a fling.

• Otherwise, sexual adventures are kept out of sight and out of earshot.

• Age of children and custodial arrangements are significant factors in sleepovers and meetings.

Hearts and parts

• For some, experimentation takes priority – sampling many flowers in a variety of gardens may be the norm, for some time after divorce.

• When a man really likes a woman, he takes his time. Or at least, more time, before making a move.

• Long-term divorced dads have left their share of broken hearts, and had theirs shredded a time or two.

• Repeaters abound (to my surprise) – those who continue to fall for women who are guaranteed to break their hearts. (This is not confined to men, or those who are divorced.)

• Preferred parts of the female form are, of course, a matter of personal preference. There are as many ass men as leg men as boob men and small-of-the-back men… well, you get the picture. And dating younger (women), or wanting to, is still verrrrry common.

• Single dads interested in a relationship, if they’re actively involved with their kids, want to date women who are moms; there’s common ground of the most fundamental sort.

• In the population I sampled – late 30s to mid 60s – when the heart is involved, the rest is secondary. Parts are parts, and hearts rule. Maybe we get better with age in more ways than one!

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

Think those people keeping the plastic surgery business booming are going under the knife to crop that crooked nose? Think again! It’s boobs, booty, and more boobs!

Reality TV, ads, films, internet dating, your local Whole Foods – everywhere you look are examples of nip this and tuck that. And it’s usually to get or keep the guy!

I’m not talking about reconstructive surgery, or even the “traditional” cosmetic procedures that used to be the domain of middle-aged moms with money in the bank.

It’s slice-dice-ain’t-that-nice, now running rampant in every age group including boob jobs for teens, Botox for twenty-somethings, and mini-lifts in the thirties – just to get a jump on what’s upcoming in the forties!

Sample the menu -

• Boob jobs (bigger, smaller, hoisted)
• Liposuction & body sculpting
• Tummy tuck (full & mini)
• Nose, eyelids, brows, cheeks, chins (various)
• Face lift
• Butt lift (go Brazilian!)
• Dental surgery
• Vaginal rejuvenation (TMI?)

It’s all about sex

Could all these procedures possibly presume to correct fatal flaws? Doubt it. Are some genuinely necessary? Sure. But let’s get real. Most of the time it’s about sex. More sex. Any sex. And delusions over what is a “sex worthy” female form. 

Sometimes, cosmetic surgery comes at the tacit (or explicit) instigation of an existing partner after a number of (ho hum) years. Or it’s motivated by a new partner, or the potential for a new partner. Hey – it’s tough out there!

What an elixir: one part marketing, two parts fear.

Lift those breasts, tote that barge!

Three years after my marriage tanked, I dated a man I genuinely enjoyed. My first post-marital “relationship.” But six weeks in, still no sex. Perhaps he was a romantic. We shared laughter, heavenly kissing, even family time with my kids. Finally, I just asked. When were we going to sleep together?

Then he said it: He was crazy about me. But… I wasn’t his physical type. He liked skinny women with tiny breasts, and by the way, he didn’t mind scars. From surgical procedures that is.

Say what??

My status

At the time, I was in my 40s (he was eight years older). I weighed 95 pounds.

Can you spell S-C-R-A-W-N-Y?

I asked myself – didn’t he notice my very substantial rack when we first met? If he was looking for Kate Moss or Calista Flockhart, why did he call for a second date??

Like many women following pregnancies, I’d been searching for a lower gravity planet, but without success. Besides, I liked my boobs.

Then:

I know a good cosmetic surgeon, he said to me. Just go for a consultation. See what he thinks about your breasts, and that extra around your middle. Imagine how great you’d look and how good you’d feel.

Coulda woulda shoulda

I should have run right then, but I didn’t. I went for the consultation, tolerated the embarrassing examination, viewed gag-me before and after photos, and left with information on three possible surgeries, their risks, recovery, scarring (permanent) – oh – and the $10,000+ price tag. Soon after, the man in question was out of my life.

I’m not against it

I can imagine a time when I might consider a little tweak. To what? Who knows. It’s a moot point. My kids, my life – are the priority.

As for beauty, I remember my pre-pregnancy bod. Quite nice. Then there’s real life: beauty is not absolute and if we’re fortunate, we grow older.

What disturbs me is our culture in which young women (and those aging like a fine wine) are made to feel less beautiful than they – we – truly are.

Since

In the past years, I have encountered gentlemen who think I’m lovely, just as I am. I agree.

I’m glad to be healthy, full of mischief, and capable of sharing pleasure with a man who sees me as a whole woman with a life story still unfolding – in my smile, through my fingertips, along my curves, my valleys… a story to be read and savored, with relish.

But I’m curious…

Would you undergo the knife for a spouse or lover? Or ask a spouse or lover to do so?

• Is it a question of which parts, and how you feel about them?
• Is it the age-old fear concerning older men and younger women?
• No big deal – other than minimizing risks, recovery, and affording it?

© D A Wolf

I considered her remark for a moment, running through the past years of coffee dates, dinner dates, dessert dates, assorted cocktails. Cocktail napkins for that matter. Quite right. Not a toga among them. Hell, not even a Third Date toga. You know, for Third Date Sex, which really ought to be about fun, shouldn’t it?

Still – no togas. Briefs, yes. Boxers, yes. Boxer briefs. Even one string. (OMG, I ran.) And one “commando.” (Oh yeah, I stayed.)

But togas? Nope. And I think that’s a shame.

Essential lesson in cultural history

What could explain this dramatic absence of draping and debauchery? I understand the 80s are flash dancing their way back into fashion. Isn’t it time to resurrect a toga party or two? Fine specimens of leggy men, oh-so-at-ease, and easily accessible?

Of course we owe our former toga trend to that post-modernist masterpiece, 1978’s Animal House (and John Belushi) with its rude, raucous reveling that has persisted in frat houses ever since. It’s as simple as grabbing that bed sheet, bad beer, and diving into a night of neanderthal nookie!

Finer examples

Of course a woman of my refined sensibilities desires something other than a polyester sheet and a Bud. Perhaps more akin to Gladiator’s Russell Crowe, or Alexander’s Colin Farrell?

As for Crowe, I must admonish the Hollywood costumers for that disappointing skirt length. Screw realism and give us some thigh! Now Farrell is quite the dashing bad boy, and mmm-mmm good in most anything. But I just don’t buy him as a blond.

Then there’s Brad Pitt in the 2004 epic, Troy. Scrumptious! Legs, thighs, arms. His evening toga-wear definitely offered a gift worth unwrapping. And oh, that six pack! Which appears to bring us back to beer.

Whatever the beverage on tap, couldn’t we all do with more togas and Trojans around the house?

Job opps

Why did my friend raise the issue of men in togas? I suspect something in the air – a tender breeze whispering sweet nothings in her libido’s ear… she’s a single mom hottie, and a red-blooded American babe after all.

Thus – my recognition of (hidden?) market demand. Available positions abound. So should any of you (gentlemen) care to don this retro-chic apparel (hey, Halloween is just around the corner) – it’s as simple as bed linens with a twist, though may I suggest a 500 count Egyptian cotton?

Actually, you can make a toga fast and easy, then trick-or-treat in my leafy little neighborhood.

And fair is fair; if you show me yours, I’ll show you mine. We single mothers are very friendly during holiday season, and many of us are seeking domestic assistance. Toga required; pay, negotiable.


© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

…

Chivalry – a resounding YES, on my planet

Chivalry is about courtesy and generosity. I say YES to chivalry on my planet which, incidentally, is neither Mars nor Venus, nor poor pitiful Pluto, tossed from the fold by hapless hacks with PhDs!

My planet is called Fred – where I get to pick and choose the typically masculine or feminine behaviors that suit me.

Don’t we all need a Planet Fred? Or Dahlia? Or Rupert? Or whatever name you’d like?

My life on Fred…

Personally, I love when a man takes a bit of the lead in matters semi-social and semi-sexual, which is the context in which chivalry generally operates.

Open the door for me? Great! Pull out my chair as I take my seat? Fab! (As long as I don’t land derrière down on the ground, of course.) Does any of that mean I don’t want an equal partner, that I don’t enjoy seducing as well as being seduced, or that I’m incapable of selecting the next restaurant? Of course not.

Pick up the tab for a date? Yes – I will expect that.

But I believe in high quality, low cost first dates – coffee or a glass of wine. And thereafter, cozy restaurants or even take-out to be shared is just fine by me, as long as it’s shared, mmm… chivalrously.

I’m not wooed by money or pretension, and not looking to break the bank as we get to know each other. That’s courtesy, generosity, and good manners on the woman’s side.

Alternate rules rule on Planet Fred!

Guys – is opening doors not your thing? No problem. I’m not going to hold it against you.

I’m capable of opening doors, pulling out chairs, and so on. However, if you drive a truck or SUV, given my diminutive stature, you are going to have to offer me a hand to climb up into the seat, and a hand to get back down. (Didn’t anyone wonder why there were FIVE feet on my banner above?)

Planet Fred wisdom:

What we deem as chivalrous behavior is about manners and upbringing. I often open and hold doors for people. I also live in a region where men generally open doors for women, help with jackets, and do so without a second thought. I find it lovely, and I always say thank you.

I’ll grant you – it isn’t easy for men these days. How in the heck are you going to know what a woman wants?

Clues, clues – and more than shoes…

Here are the elements of BC - Basic Chivalry. By this, I mean:

• Open a door
• Help with a coat
• Pull out a chair
• Pick up the check.

How do you know what a woman expects? There are clues – the way she dresses, moves, a slight hesitation at a door.

I dare say certain women (not all) who enjoy their femininity are going to give off a BC vibe - trappings may yield a hint: a touch of mascara, a light scent of Guerlain, a sexy little heel, perfectly fitting jeans…

Women who chastise

To the women who fuss at men who are chivalrous, I say shame on you!

If you don’t want a door opened, then stow the attitude and say so, politely. “I prefer to open my own door, but thank you.” To those who sit and pout – out, out, out of the car! Or, at an appropriate time, try a smile and “You know, I love when a man opens the door for me…”

In either case, find a partner who is BC-compatible.

More hot flashes from Planet Fred!

Nope. Not that kind of hot flash (phew!!) – but a hot news flash.

Good women care about a total package, including substantive signs of quality and character, like:

• Are you truly interested in who she is?
• Do you share values, humor, a spark?
• Are you listening when she talks?
• Are you holding each other’s gaze?

And if she’s struggling with a door, a step, a package, or anything else – of course you should assist! As you, or she would assist anyone else.

Chivalry is not dead, whether you’re looking for a hook-up, or a relationship. But you do need to decide if it’s important on your planet. And if you’re a guy looking for a celestial body just for you – consider opening the door. It’s very… welcoming.

..

…

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

The dating pool

I’ve been a single woman for a long time, dipping in and out of the dating pool for the better part of a decade. It was a slow re-entry, wading into the shallow end, then descending into the depths when I was ready.

Fortunately, I came with a strong stroke or two to start, and my own Personal Flotation Devices (exactly). Yet nothing prepared me for the strange currents I would have to navigate.

Nor did I anticipate the need for drug tests and health warnings that ought to be mandatory. STDs, HPVs, HIV? I’m talking  SSRIs.

Inhibiting

We all have inhibitions (a few, anyway), but this particular dilemma wasn’t in my  Idiot’s Guide to Internet Dating. When it came to SSRIs – I had no idea that Prozac and its pals, those feel-good Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors – were about to screw with my newly rediscovered sex life. 

The Pill Plague

Match, eHarmony, Jdate, PerfectMatch, Meetic… how about adding a set of checkboxes relative to pill usage? Happy pills, specifically.

Oh – not the perky little blue ones! I mean the ones physicians hand out by the fistful, assuring us a more upbeat state of mind (for almost any woe, it seems), even if it means libido takes a tumble.

Of course there are many conditions for which these medications are prescribed, and necessary, and extremely helpful. But if your doctor is doling out SSRIs because you’re getting over a divorce or enduring two consecutive poor sales quarters,  you might want to weigh amiable attitude versus amorous advances…

Recreation and Hooking Up

Swimming laps is lovely (in my dreams, if not actuality), but it doesn’t lessen my desire for other types of physical activity. You know – things that work muscles and pump blood flow without involving chlorine.

My wanderings on the worldwide web began some years back: a search for an occasional grown up man, as I re-entered single life. My age range? 45 to 55, or thereabouts. Was it really so much to ask for? A down-to-earth guy of my own age, smart, funny, verbal and sexual?

Can you spell antidepressant??

Wishing on a star? A pipe dream?

Hungry for human connection, I was sorely disappointed when one thing would lead to another, then grind to a full stop. Such occasions were followed by embarrassed explanations; SSRIs were the culprit.

Wouldn’t it have been more fitting to drop a clue up front?

It’s no wonder I went for long distance dating. East Coast to Paris. (If the men are depressed over there, they buy two bottles of Bordeaux and leave it at that. And drown their sorrows in a woman’s charms.)

“Happy to meet you. I can’t get it up.”

No! I don’t mean a casual communiqué over the first cocktail, and certainly not like that! But if you make it to a third date, you like each other; at the very least one of you expects a hook-up. So it might be a good time to mention – gently – that you’ve been on Paxil since the divorce, or Prozac since the new boss talk over.

Believe me, she – or he – won’t be as clueless as I was.

A new syndrome: Condomitis Interruptus

If your new guy is on an SSRI, the condom question may be as relevant as high school hockey practice in South Florida. Or you may be lucky, and get lucky. Just keep in mind that if either of you is over 40, there’s a significant possibility that some sort of mood enhancer is the third wheel on the first date. And every encounter thereafter.

On the upside – if you think “she’s just not that into you,” it may not be the case; it may be her med-induced lustlessness. Feel better now?

You don’t want condomitis interruptus as part of your romantic routine; you think you’re getting things rolling along (think again), but sparks fizzle before you’re dressed for the occasion. Perhaps you should consider disclosing – or asking – about medical conditions a bit before the heart gets in too deep.

Love and other exceptions

Sometimes emotions are invested quickly. Sometimes SSRIs (or other libido-reducing meds) are critical to your long-term partner’s health. Am I suggesting you ditch a magnificent man or woman if he or she can’t keep up with you in bed?

Certainly not. Love is rare; intimacy, even more so. And there are ways to enjoy erotic pleasures even with physical challenges, if both parties are motivated, caring, and creative.

Be careful what you wish for

In the interest of journalistic integrity, I confess I’m out of the pool at present. For how long? There’s no predicting.

With teens under watchful eye, writing around-the-clock, and looking for paying gigs, it’s hard to be “out there” for long periods without getting waterlogged. Besides, I met this lifeguard. Not an SSRI in sight.

..

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

Or are you relatively new to the scene in your separated or single status? And must you really scuba, bungee-jump, pilot your own plane, or be a published author to get a date?

Online dating – it’s a lifestyle!

For those of us with most (if not all) parenting responsibilities, and jobs that don’t make for a great deal of adult exchange, how do we meet people for love or other hook-ups?

Yep, it’s Match, e-Harmony, JDate, Perfect Match and any number of other online sources, either broadly available, or carefully segmented to present you a nifty batch of possible candidates for lasting amour, simmering sex, or everything in between. Are we stuck on online dating, or stuck in it? Have individuals become commodities? I’ve been around and around the block on this one. Plenty of us have, but we keep going back for more…

Online dating is big business

There’s no question that online dating is now as normal as taking your Lexus to the car wash. And I’m not talking adult sites here either; that’s another topic altogether.

According to Match.com’s own “About” page, they serve 24 countries in 15 languages. Some estimates put their membership at 15 million users (it wouldn’t surprise me if it’s more), with approximately 1.3 million paying members – since the online scene allows you an assortment of trial versions and minimal online presence without the full benefits of engaging the man or woman of your dreams.

Net revenue for Match.com alone? More than $90 million. (First quarter, 2008 – all the data I could find, quickly – but impressive.) And Match.com makes claims that some 20,000 people join daily.

And that’s just one of many different services! Worldwide!

Is anyone out there?

You bet! Gazillions of people, and a few of the types you might encounter?

• The professional dater
• The serial spouse hunter
• The siren or sexpot
• The gold digger
• The lonely guy (newly single, or longtime single)
• The pitiful guy (needs his socks darned)
• Mr. Cool (arrogance, sports car, motorcycle)
• Ms. Cool (blond, tucked, built-in anti-gravity devices)
• The lonely gal (newly single, or longtime single)
• The pitifully lonely gal (she’s easy – but guys, be kind)
• The sneaker (he’s married)
• The sneaker-esse (she’s married)
• The scammer (so many scams, not enough time)
• The crazed mom (been there, done that)
• The sexy mom (been there, done that)
• The “ready and real” crowd (yes – they do exist!)

We all know a horror story. We all know a success story.

With online dating now so common, we all know someone who has been “out there” meeting people. We’ve heard horror stories, funny stories, and someone who knows someone who knows someone who met their boyfriend-girlfriend-husband-wife-partner (or latest ex) on Match, e-Harmony, JDate, Perfect Match, or some variation…

And I’m all for it! Whether it’s for your post-divorce spring fling, or something a little more stable.

But what are some of the consequences of this blink-of-an-eye meeting style?

Read fast, meet fast… next…

Just as the internet has made us speedy consumers of (lightly grazed) information, online dating has transformed us into equally speedy consumers of possible partners.

We judge others (quickly) based upon sketchy profiles, 8-year old photos, and puffed-up personal histories, often penned by professionals. We make selections by checklist, and set up phone calls (and rendez-vous) in dangerously short order. We date once or twice, and disappear. Frequently without explanation or an iota of good manners.

Manners? Did I say manners?

Yes. Something we seem to have forgotten. And online dating etiquette is a whole other subject – one of great importance.

As for forgetting our P’s and Q’s? Why not? Or so some think.  We’re hiding behind pseudonyms and self-promotion, tall tales and white lies. Besides, the targeted next lay, next date, next love, next spouse is out there “somewhere.” A commodity.

We’re in a hurry to advance to the next promised land of possible perfection. Why bother with formalities as we leave one to engage with another?

The love guarantee

Match.com has gone so far as to “guarantee” its love connections. Don’t meet your match? Get six months free! And then what?

JDate likes to tell its success stories with a great deal of delight. (Mazel tov!)

But guys – if you’re shopping for the next spouse, could you be a little less obvious about it? And also consider that not all women are looking to remarry?

As for scam artists, we’ve all got a story, and I have mine. Met online, dutifully emailed, phone calls, checked on Google and LinkedIn (a necessity). Over time, I met friends and kids, and it still turns out he was stringing along at least three of us (in separate locations) – and for months! But survive one? You develop radar, and learn to avoid them.

There’s no substitute for time, and common sense

In our hurry for what looks like “having it all,” our parade of paramours and potentially permanent partners, our tendency towards serial spouses – there’s still no replacement for taking time to know someone. It’s the only way to have more than a gut check on the voracity of your potential partner’s presentation of self, and the authenticity of any real connection to come.

Online dating reflects the good, the bad, and the ugly found in the “real world” – what we used to chalk up to serendipity as we stumbled over each other in a crowded airport, lining up at Ticket Master, by the pump at the gas station, at a college mixer, or in a professional seminar. But remember – there’s no substitute for time and shared experience.

Widowed, divorced, newly separated

Do I have any words of advice? (I’m a dating veteran… grant me my small amount of expertise…)

Recently widowed? You’re better off entering the dating scene with others in your situation. You need to share your story, and someone who’s been through the same sort of loss will understand. But at some point, stop talking about the dead wife or the dead husband. No “living” person can compete.

Newly divorced? Same advice. Don’t try dating someone who’s been divorced for three years, four years, and so on. You’re at completely different stages in the healing process, and the relationship cycle. She’s likely already had her sexual adventures; she may be ready for something different – and trust me, you’re not. 

Once again, keep the war stories to a minimum. Save them for a friend or a shrink.

Newly separated? Hell – you still have the whole legal thing to get through! And you have no idea what lies ahead - even if it’s amicable, and especially if it involves children. Don’t think you’ll meet Mr. Right or Ms. Right while at this stage. Too much turmoil – so just have some fun and be safe out there!

My status?

I’ve dated some fascinating men in Europe – older, younger, and my own age. Met through a European service, because I’ve spent periods of time living there and traveling there. Age seems to be less a factor – true chemistry is a matter of the total package.

As for here? In the past five years I’ve been on and off Match and other services. I’ve made friends and enjoyed several lovely relationships of varying sorts. I’ve also indulged in literally hundreds of coffee dates, my share of dinner dates, and have needed to take a break from all of it on more than one occasion.

My greatest surprise? Guys with photos more than five years old! Often! (Did you think we wouldn’t notice?)

And I have my share of stories, of course: 

• Like the staid 40-something MIT grad who grabbed my boob in a restaurant. (Was he checking to see if I was paying attention?)

• Or the arrogant attorney whose opening remarks were (upon arriving 45 minutes late to our first meeting) – “Oh, you look just like my ex-wife. She was a bitch.”

Incidentally, he spent the next two hours citing chapter and verse as to why she was a bitch, and he’d been divorced for three years. Apparently, there’s no statute of limitations on residual anger. But that guy deserved to be served – a bad manners subpoena!

What else?

A little of everything -

• I’ve been courted royally, and proposed to romantically.

• I’ve said no thanks, and had that respected.

• I’ve been dumped kindly (and to my surprise), and been dumped cruelly (and to my surprise). 

• I’ve also been stalked, which is terrifying. And that occurred following one date with an “upstanding” and entirely “verified” gentleman. Ladies – there is no such thing as TOO careful!

My match, or matches

Why am I still online – even periodically?

I’m raising kids, pretty much solo. As a writer, my work isolates me. My friends are equally busy, and are married for the most part.

Do I meet people? Yes, easily – when I get out for an assignment, or away from home which these days is rare. Most of the time I’m in my home office, fingers poised on the keyboard, or I’m doing the parent job. So given those factors, how can I meet people? Online. And given that I traffic in words -  the Internet allows me to make some key determinations rapidly, and then, to take my time and see where things may lead.

Critical success factors?

Let’s face it – sexual chemistry is a must, for most of us. Does money matter? Or location? Religion? Your health?

Of course. All of these things are important – we know that. Whether you’re hooking up or seeking the elusive permanent partner. As for the pool of “viable candidates?”

Supply and demand, baby… It depends on what you want, where you want it, and how much you want it. It’s a game of numbers (including dollars), and probabilities.

And of course, for women, as we age our pool shrinks. Not so, for the men, particularly if they have fat wallets – though that is less the case outside of the US (in my experience).

Other pearls of wisdom?

The bottom line is – the match-go-round is part of human nature; some very bright people have simply found a way to automate it and transform it into big business. We want affection and physical contact, connection in different ways at different times. It’s a vital part of being alive, whether we seek love, great sex, companionship or friendship.

And there’s always the possibility that some day we’ll get significant portions of all of that – the whole package – in a single person. At least for a time, as “commodity status” fades away and we find ourselves in the embrace of an individual.

Go on… Close your eyes. Dream a little. Who knows who may be there – happily – when you wake.

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

As the single mother of teenage sons, what message do I send if my love life is a revolving door? What if there are no examples of casual dating, sexual contact, or falling in love?

If you’re a single parent – what kind of model are you for your children, and what kind of model do you want to be when it comes to relationships?

I’ve never been a revolving door – by choice, as well as by circumstance. And “Revolving Door” is an interesting term for it, one which the Urban Dictionary defines as

“A very loose woman who goes through an obscene number of sexual partners.”

Observation: Apparently stereotypes persist. As a woman, if I choose to have an abundance of sexual playmates, I’m still considered “loose.” Very 1950s. And not only do I have a revolving door, I AM the revolving door!

The Urban Dictionary is an enlightening (and entertaining) source, which goes on to offer a conversational snippet to reinforce the concept of the loose, “revolving door” female:

Neil: “How was the supermarket last night?”

Bob: “Well I took a number at the counter and there were like 5 people in front of me, so I had to wait a half hour or so. But it was worth the wait since I had a ‘buy one get one free’ coupon.”

Neil: “I hate those deli lines.”

Bob: “What deli? I’m talking about your sister. She was lining ‘em up in the store bathroom last night as usual. Chucking my junk in that was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.”

Neil: “Damn that skank is such a revolving door.”

Bob: “Word to your mother.”

Synonyms: slut ho ho bag skank whore

While I find this explanation both illuminating and appalling, it begs the question – what is an “obscene” number of sexual partners? And the definition makes one thing abundantly clear: in American society, a woman who expresses her sexuality openly and with a variety of partners is still considered slutty (note the synonyms); a man in the same situation is lauded – and envied – for his sexual prowess.

What does this have to do with parenting and your approach to sexual activity?

Married or single, widowed or divorced, sexuality is a fundamental element of our human experience. It is of more importance to some than others, and comes in any number of variations. But how do we handle ourselves if we have no private time? No “time off” for good behavior? What if we live in a conservative environment, but we aren’t interested in remarrying?

What sexual presence – and behavior – do we offer to our children as an example?

Too Little Sex?

After my marriage ended, I didn’t date for several years. My sons were young – seven and eight years old. Their dad had moved and visited infrequently; we were on new, uncertain footing. We needed to “shore ourselves up” – and that took time. What I didn’t realize was that my older son was well aware of my isolation, and my loneliness. 

It was he, aged 11, who said “Mom, it’s time you start dating.” His father was about to remarry, and I’d yet to meet a man over a latte at Starbucks.

So I plunged back into the world of dating, and eventually, sex. Safely, discreetly, judiciously, and admittedly, with abandon. It had been too long, and I had some readjusting and learning to do. The menu had changed, and I wanted to taste the new cuisine.

Observation: I soon realized that years without a sexual partner had taken their toll. There were extra pounds, a less positive outlook in general, and less energy. When I reclaimed my sex life, I was happier. When I’m happier, my children are happier.

One-night Stands and Single Parenting

What was right for me – a slow path – is only that. My path, as I found my way bit by bit. Nonetheless, as a single parent, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with one-night stands or short-lived relationships, undertaken safely of course. If anything – they can improve your mood and bring a much less cranky parent to carpool line or the chaotic dinner hour.

However, I do think that discretion is essential.

How much discretion? And what if you really need to cut loose?

A great deal depends upon your children – their ages, their relationship with you, and their reactions. Discussion and observation can help guide you.

While our culture may hand the single father certain advantages, I personally favor keeping your sexual life  private – until you’re comfortable introducing someone to your sons and daughters.

Whether they comment or not, kids are always observing, sensing, and learning by example. 

The Dilemma of the Revolving Door

Among my divorced women friends, some have dated regularly, as family members helped with childcare. That flexibility provided “dating time” and privacy. Other friends had no such options, as was my case. One woman I knew, a stunning 30-something with two school aged children, dated a great deal. She had a glittering personality, a healthy sexual appetite, and men fell – hard, and often. She also had a habit of moving her lovers into the family home.

Her children had role models – good men, generally – but the names and faces changed two and three times a year, year after year. Their home was, indeed, a “revolving door.”  

REFLECTION: I applauded my friend’s ability to open up her heart, to celebrate her sexuality, and to display affection in front of her children. What concerned me was the message of impermanence. That “men don’t stay.”

Too much sex?

Children at any age don’t need “in-your-face” adult sexuality. Granted, in other cultures, nudity and sexuality are integrated fully into family life, media, discussions – and from an early age. And I’m all for that – but we live here, in the (publicly) sexually conservative USA.

Put yourself in your kids’ shoes. Imagine embarrassment or confusion they might experience, particularly during the stages when the puzzle pieces of sexuality and love are just beginning to form – pre-adolescence and the early teenage years.

Observation: Knowing your parents are sexual – seeing them hold hands, kiss, embrace – is different from seeing and hearing the antics that are exuberantly enjoyed behind closed doors. Or waking up to a parade of strangers over a bowl of cereal.

Let’s Be Realistic about Adult Sexuality

A healthy sex life over the course of years – and a number of sexual partners – seems inevitable if you allow yourself a full life. Whether you’re a parent or not, what is deemed “too much sex” or “too many partners” is a matter of personal and individual judgment, within a cultural context, and for some, a religious or moral one.

When I’ve been in love, it’s been my pleasure to introduce a man into the household. Gently, and observing the reaction of my sons. Allowing them the time they need to get comfortable.

If I was cautious about growing attached to someone who would be in my life for a few months or a year and then move on, I certainly didn’t want my children to grow too attached.

But I did want them to have the experience of seeing me happily holding hands, sharing an occasional kiss, the knowledge of affection and sexuality that floats in the air when adults care about each other. When they are committed enough to spend time together, both in and out of bed.

The Model I Wish to Show by Example

I am not a revolving door; nor is our home.

I am discreet in relationships, and only bring someone into our lives when there is a relationship – and one which is more than sexual.

I want my sons to see me happy.

I want them to understand that sexuality is natural and fun and an integral part of adult life.

And I certainly don’t want them feeling guilty about the years I’ve raised them, alone, and the sadness that I know they have observed from time to time.

My job as parent is the most important I’ve ever had.

As my sons ready to leave the nest, I “reclaim” more of my life and my sexuality. If I’m fortunate, I’ve been a reasonably good model for them. And I wish for my sons to find women who fully and responsibly own themselves – their dreams, their opinions, and their sexuality.

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy