I make the distinction between divorced dads and single dads of other types because, let’s be honest, divorce is often a long and contentious process. Approaching a new relationship – sexual or otherwise – carries mixed emotions. After all, I’m a divorced woman who’s been through it – from separation to the first year or two in a new “status,” to re-entering those tumultuous dating waters. And having written about sex and the single mom, I wanted to hear from divorced dads.

The data

While I don’t claim to have representative data, I do have input from both sides of the Mississippi and – you guessed it – France.

And my, my, but you dads are discreet! I am impressed. It’s nice to see that most of you do not kiss-and-tell. But you did lend a bit of your experience to my informal queries, which may help some of our single moms know what’s up as we try to decipher your behaviors. So thanks to the dads who provided a few tales and tidbits, which was enough to share what follows.

Booze and booty

• No surprise here, but booty calls are alive and well, including among men in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. And yes,  alcohol is often involved.

• Internet booty calls are very popular as an initial method of meet-and-greet, leading to a cocktail or two, and you-know-what.

• When it comes to Internet dating – the visual still rules! That initial photo makes a big difference – for both sides of the gender divide.

• Men do lie about age, height and relationship status; some figure it’s irrelevant, particularly if booty is the objective. (Women do this, too, from the stories I’ve heard from men.)

• Men don’t care so much about a woman’s lies – if they’re just looking for a hook-up.

• If a man likes a woman, honesty is important, right from the start.

“No thanks” is rare, but not unheard of

• Divorced dads can score pretty easily, if they choose to. Not all do.

• Some men seek emotional attachment, or at least a “liking” for the lady before bedding her, and that may take more than a few dates.

• Sex on the first date often means no seconds – date, that is. And generally, it’s a relationship killer.

• Those initial impressions are indelible – resemblance to a photo (if Internet-introduced), scent, voice, smile.

• Getting back in the game isn’t a given; it takes time for re-entry, both to socialize comfortably, or to score.

Hot in bed, luke warm in life

• For many who are newly divorced, it’s all about the sex; for some, it’s an attempt to heal through relationship. (Guys, the same is true for the women I know.)

• Great sex doesn’t require emotional connection, and a great relationship doesn’t guarantee great sex. No scoop here! But we are reminded that sex and love are not one and the same.

• That aside, many intrepid divorced dads are looking for both!

Kids and privacy

• Separation of church and state seems to be the rule. Divorced dads don’t bring someone around to meet their kids unless there’s a relationship. It needn’t have run-off-to-Vegas in the future, but it’s more than a fling.

• Otherwise, sexual adventures are kept out of sight and out of earshot.

• Age of children and custodial arrangements are significant factors in sleepovers and meetings.

Hearts and parts

• For some, experimentation takes priority – sampling many flowers in a variety of gardens may be the norm, for some time after divorce.

• When a man really likes a woman, he takes his time. Or at least, more time, before making a move.

• Long-term divorced dads have left their share of broken hearts, and had theirs shredded a time or two.

• Repeaters abound (to my surprise) – those who continue to fall for women who are guaranteed to break their hearts. (This is not confined to men, or those who are divorced.)

• Preferred parts of the female form are, of course, a matter of personal preference. There are as many ass men as leg men as boob men and small-of-the-back men… well, you get the picture. And dating younger (women), or wanting to, is still verrrrry common.

• Single dads interested in a relationship, if they’re actively involved with their kids, want to date women who are moms; there’s common ground of the most fundamental sort.

• In the population I sampled – late 30s to mid 60s – when the heart is involved, the rest is secondary. Parts are parts, and hearts rule. Maybe we get better with age in more ways than one!

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

And it turned out we knew each other, too – by reputation. We had friends in common, and traveled in adjacent professional circles. How cool was that!

Our first encounter sparkled. Time flew over mid-morning coffee that turned into a lazy Saturday brunch. Three hours later we still couldn’t stop laughing and talking, so we strolled to a nearby bookstore. There, we wandered the aisles, chatted about our favorite books, and told each other stories.

What’s this? Five o’clock? Might as well have a cocktail, so we headed to a café, where drinks turned into dinner, and eventually, a steamy goodnight kiss at the end of a 12-hour date that astonished both of us.

Fab date 1, more to come!

The following weekend, we had another spectacular time – romance, fun, and a lingering embrace that made the earlier lip lock look like kindergarten fare.

We set a tentative Date 3, confirmed the next day with a spicy email, to which I responded with equal enthusiasm. And then… nothing. The days slogged along. Still nothing. On the fifth day, a little note – “So sorry. Completely tied up at work. We’ll try for next week, okay?”

My response: “No problem. Looking forward to it.”

Waiting by the phone (or keyboard)

The next week came and went, and I felt 17 again. And just as miffed! No email, no call, no nothing.

Did I imagine those two magical dates and the simmering chemistry that was… um, demonstrable? He wasn’t dead, and he wasn’t out of town; I ran into someone who had seen him at a professional function. 

Disappearance, thy name is 21st century dating

Fab date 1, fab date 2, NO date 3? Huh?

• Was he “just not that into me?”
• How do you go from hot to not, in just 24 hours??
• Was he seeing other people, and switched me out in a flash?
• Did it have to do with the fact that we did move in similar circles?

My own disappearing act

I’ve pulled a disappearing act or two myself since the Brave New World of Post-Divorce Dating. Usually when I was swamped with kid duties and deadlines, and simply got side-tracked. But pulling a Houdini isn’t my usual style. And this one baffles me.

Not only was I up for Third Date Goodies, but so was he… and I genuinely liked this guy and thought it was mutual.  Que pasa? And has this happened to you?

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy