Those of you who are single are surely feeling the pressure. And if you’re “lightly” involved, you may be wondering if things will heat up for the robust red romantic holiday. And for any who are happily in love, you may be lubricating your love machines for a night (or day) of daring delights.

How can we ignore the pleadings and pangs of the open heart? Our love longings? Or at the very least our chocolate addictions?

Big little date with Big Little Wolf

In a brief exchange, a reader-becoming-email-pal suggested that I offer a “date” giveaway. Well, not exactly, but close enough, and that one made me laugh! And it got me to thinking. About the upcoming commercialization of concupiscent coupling known as Valentine’s Day! And of course, the dating dilemma of the 40+ (and dare I say 50+) crowd. Lions and tigers and bears OH MY but I’ve slugged my way through a dirth of dates in recent years. And others, I’ve never experienced, and would thoroughly enjoy.

Here are a few dates I could live without, despite an adventurous spirit that does not involve a dare to shave my head:

• fly fishing or deer hunting
• conch tasting
• alligator wrestling
• bungee jumping

Here are a few dates I’ve always wanted to experience:

• Hot air ballooning
• Romantic picnic on the floor in fiction aisles of Borders
• Anything, anywhere in Paris (I know, I know, but it’s always fresh)
• Romantic rendez-vous on a train (sexy stilettos de rigueur)

Your “no thanks” and “always dreamed of ” date lists? Aw come on. I know you must have some. . .

Reality, reality TV, reality Restless Legs

Yes, I have the wardrobe and footwear for all those “dates I’d like to have” (complete with jeans and stiletto sneaks for the book-nic on the floor). But I don’t have a guy to do them with these days. And to be frank, until I’ve got this brain-drain sleep saga licked again, the best I can do is profit from my imagistic imagination, both through words – reading them, writing them – and whatever I can see on cable.

Yes, there’s plenty to set my more-than-maternal mind on fire (Hugh Jackman, give me a buzz. . .), but I’d like to challenge you to engage your manly mantras and womanly wonderings.

Let’s play, shall we? Valentine’s is only a few weeks away. And it’s all in the imagination, right? Take your hot-hottie-hotness from revving up the intoxicating imagination impulse and apply it (seductively) to your spouse or beloved, or store it up in ample amorous anticipation of when you next meet a woman or man who sends shivers up your spine and tingles to your toes. Then let the sparks fly!

I will say that when I watch Reality TV, whether the (oh-so-over-the-top) OC housewives or the quality-quipping New York version, I’m astounded at the glitz (and expense) of their social soirées! But then that’s part of why we watch, right?

Dream dates and celebrity dream dates

So let’s go with real reality, and then unreal reality ramblings.

• If you could pick a “real” person to date  – someone you know, or maybe know only a little – one date (to last as long as you’d like, mind you) – who would it be, and what would your date day / evening be like?
• Now Part Deux. Conjure all the hotties who attract you – film, music, sports, politics – select a celebrity (or two) for a delicious day or enticing evening. Who would it be? What’s your ideal celebrity date?

My dream date(s): Betty White, will you be mine?

Real person. Hmmm. Can’t think of anyone offhand. That’s bad right there. A sign of the times, or at the very least, my ongoing battle with chronic fatigue (laptop lover, you are my lifeline).

Or maybe I just need a good kick in the butt – though more likely I need these restless legs to stop kicking me awake every night after three hours of sleep!  

On the celebrity side, however, I could name the obvious – Jon Hamm (yes, you knew that was coming), or another longtime hot heart throb, Hugh Jackman. Or better yet, Betty White. Yes, I did indeed say Betty white!

Watching the SAG Awards 2010 last evening, she was utterly delightful. Betty White accepted a Life Achievement Award with such graceful humor, and for doing what she does best – entertaining us with that dimpled and delicious naughty, bawdy talent, impeccable comic timing, and I suspect – a heart of gold. She’s one smart, saucy babe I’d love to meet. Check out Huffington Post for her hysterical and poignant SAG tribute and you’ll know exactly what I mean.

A class act and 88 years young, Betty White would do me a world of good about now. There’s no doubt she was the best part of the SAG Awards ceremony yesterday. The power of laughter? What’s better than that – on a date, or in life?

Come on. . . Your dream dates for Valentine’s?

So spill. Who would you love to take on a dream date for Valentines? Gerard Butler? Penelope Cruz? Your “real” person, and your celebrity heart throb? And what would your date involve? Hey – you’ve got a couple weeks to make it happen, or at the very least, enjoy the fantasy.

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

Friday was a good day.

The back story

Oh, the dilemma of working from home! How we weary of wrestling with isolation; writers in particular need an occasional dose of living beings – especially since that’s generally what we write about. And if you’re single (and your teens don’t talk),  no amount of roaming from desk to floor to couch will cut it. Sometimes you just need to get the hell out, and position your posterior at a coffee shop or book store.

I was leery of the locale frequented by Breastfed Boomer Boy (of last week’s bizarre botched pick-up fame). Was he a permanent fixture in that sunken arm chair? Might I require Groucho glasses and fake mustache?

Determined to return to the scene of the crime, I packed my laptop, power cord, and all the positive thinking I could muster. I dropped the Kiddo at school, then headed towards Barnes & Noble feeling feisty and defiant. As I took the back roads through one of the city’s lovely, older neighborhoods, I passed signs for an estate sale and was – of course – immediately distracted.

Common Sense (gotta hate it)

Damn this recession. The desire to pull over was tugging at me, but Common Sense was holding firm. You can’t, she said.

Shit, I whined. But these are gorgeous homes from the 30s, and when will I get this chance again? Common Sense scowled, powerless to prevent me from slowing, then parking at the end of a curving line of cars.

You shouldn’t, she said.

It might be good for a story, I countered, rationalizing my way into Temptation Territory.

Once parked, I took my time strolling past the gracious homes of stone and brick, enjoying the scent of boxwood in the air. I entered the house by a long driveway, into spacious rooms where I could imagine bustling life and elegant entertaining that overflowed onto a landscaped terrace. Inside, people milled about, looking through assorted books, furnishings, and kitchen wares.

I climbed the stairs and meandered in and out of bedrooms, poking through clothing and accessories. It all felt so intimate – seeing what another woman wore at various times in her life, touching her belongings without knowing her. But there was no emotional sting; she was older, had family, and had moved. The home was sold. The remaining estate proceeds were to benefit her favorite charity.

The encounter

And that’s when I saw it on a shelf, just above my eye level. The hat. Not just any hat. Black felt. A contoured crown covered in black sequins, and not one was out of place. Trimmed in a sheer fabric with a softly tied bow. A fine brim – not too broad, but enough to dip over one eye, for mystery.

Did I mention that I love hats?

You have no business buying anything, said Common Sense. Keep your little paws off.

I just want to try it on, I whispered, and so I did, catching a glimpse in a nearby mirror as I tucked a wisp of hair behind my ear. I didn’t recognize the woman who looked back. She was smiling. Beaming.

I pulled the brim just a little lower, over one eye, and continued to gaze. I reluctantly removed the hat, glanced inside for a label, and noted the milliner’s name – George W. Bollman and Company. Then I took a deep breath, and turned over the tag.

My hat, I said aloud. My beautiful black hat, once worn by a stylish woman I will never meet, but whose hat I will cherish. My new treasure was priced at two dollars.

A mother’s news

After installing myself at B&N unmolested (Boomer Boy was nowhere in sight), I worked contentedly for hours, then hurried home. (I admit it. I wanted to play with my hat.) As I was driving, a friend called, her voice hot with excitement and gushing with news.

She’d been dealing with a terrible situation with her teenage son – not of her making or his – and it had suddenly resolved itself. This was no small issue, and no small miracle. We talked for awhile, and when I hung up I couldn’t stop grinning. By then I was home, dressing (for my hat), and I spent the rest of the evening gleeful. Hell, I felt thirty-something again, and as spicy as a petite Penelope Cruz!

That’s what only a slight detour in plan had fostered: one miracle for a friend, and moments of genuine happiness for me. After all, where there’s one miracle there may be others – some as simple as magic in a sparkling hat, or a mother’s joyful news. 

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

I make the distinction between divorced dads and single dads of other types because, let’s be honest, divorce is often a long and contentious process. Approaching a new relationship – sexual or otherwise – carries mixed emotions. After all, I’m a divorced woman who’s been through it – from separation to the first year or two in a new “status,” to re-entering those tumultuous dating waters. And having written about sex and the single mom, I wanted to hear from divorced dads.

The data

While I don’t claim to have representative data, I do have input from both sides of the Mississippi and – you guessed it – France.

And my, my, but you dads are discreet! I am impressed. It’s nice to see that most of you do not kiss-and-tell. But you did lend a bit of your experience to my informal queries, which may help some of our single moms know what’s up as we try to decipher your behaviors. So thanks to the dads who provided a few tales and tidbits, which was enough to share what follows.

Booze and booty

• No surprise here, but booty calls are alive and well, including among men in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. And yes,  alcohol is often involved.

• Internet booty calls are very popular as an initial method of meet-and-greet, leading to a cocktail or two, and you-know-what.

• When it comes to Internet dating – the visual still rules! That initial photo makes a big difference – for both sides of the gender divide.

• Men do lie about age, height and relationship status; some figure it’s irrelevant, particularly if booty is the objective. (Women do this, too, from the stories I’ve heard from men.)

• Men don’t care so much about a woman’s lies – if they’re just looking for a hook-up.

• If a man likes a woman, honesty is important, right from the start.

“No thanks” is rare, but not unheard of

• Divorced dads can score pretty easily, if they choose to. Not all do.

• Some men seek emotional attachment, or at least a “liking” for the lady before bedding her, and that may take more than a few dates.

• Sex on the first date often means no seconds – date, that is. And generally, it’s a relationship killer.

• Those initial impressions are indelible – resemblance to a photo (if Internet-introduced), scent, voice, smile.

• Getting back in the game isn’t a given; it takes time for re-entry, both to socialize comfortably, or to score.

Hot in bed, luke warm in life

• For many who are newly divorced, it’s all about the sex; for some, it’s an attempt to heal through relationship. (Guys, the same is true for the women I know.)

• Great sex doesn’t require emotional connection, and a great relationship doesn’t guarantee great sex. No scoop here! But we are reminded that sex and love are not one and the same.

• That aside, many intrepid divorced dads are looking for both!

Kids and privacy

• Separation of church and state seems to be the rule. Divorced dads don’t bring someone around to meet their kids unless there’s a relationship. It needn’t have run-off-to-Vegas in the future, but it’s more than a fling.

• Otherwise, sexual adventures are kept out of sight and out of earshot.

• Age of children and custodial arrangements are significant factors in sleepovers and meetings.

Hearts and parts

• For some, experimentation takes priority – sampling many flowers in a variety of gardens may be the norm, for some time after divorce.

• When a man really likes a woman, he takes his time. Or at least, more time, before making a move.

• Long-term divorced dads have left their share of broken hearts, and had theirs shredded a time or two.

• Repeaters abound (to my surprise) – those who continue to fall for women who are guaranteed to break their hearts. (This is not confined to men, or those who are divorced.)

• Preferred parts of the female form are, of course, a matter of personal preference. There are as many ass men as leg men as boob men and small-of-the-back men… well, you get the picture. And dating younger (women), or wanting to, is still verrrrry common.

• Single dads interested in a relationship, if they’re actively involved with their kids, want to date women who are moms; there’s common ground of the most fundamental sort.

• In the population I sampled – late 30s to mid 60s – when the heart is involved, the rest is secondary. Parts are parts, and hearts rule. Maybe we get better with age in more ways than one!

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

Men and women are different. Let me count the ways…

We all know that men and women think differently, respond differently, and are (still) raised differently when it comes to relationship roles and sexual roles. I’m not speaking about brain power, earning power, political power or any other arena of that sort – but “for” or “against,” it’s undeniable that differences rule in social and interpersonal contexts. Shall we explore?

Icons of male and female sexual fantasy?

Men respond to the visual. Fast. And to scent. A lingering fragrance left on a pillow can conjure intense emotions, and… mmm… reactions. We know that men fantasize, and admit to it without embarrassment. As for women? How different are we, really?

A few “fantasy-worthy” celebs? We’ve all got a set in our minds. Here are a handful of my female picks: Salma Hayak, Halle Berry, Catherine Deneuve, Penelope Cruz.

And he-man hotties? They don’t need steroid-induced bulges or even the most bangin’ bods. They do have broad shoulders, long legs, and intelligence flashing fire in their eyes. And it’s a four-alarm affair if it’s Mad Men’s Jon Hamm – that penetrating gaze, the set of his square jaw. He’s the epitome of male confidence set against a 60s backdrop. But the sexiest part of the human animal truly is the brain, including its capacity to recall or manufacture images whenever and wherever we might please.

As for a man’s mastery at articulating his fantasies? It’s of interest (and helpful) to a woman. And his interest can be helpful in discreetly inquiring, inspiring, and discerning our unspoken desires. Where does that get us? Hopefully to a more exciting place, and a more intimate connection.

Hot men? Hot women?

Why this selection of sexy icons? It’s personal taste of course, though I suspect that at least some of the men I know would agree on the appeal of my female choices. As for women, not only might we fantasize about looking like these lovelies, but we also enjoy gazing at their beauty, while appreciating  intelligence, talent, and class.

And women do respond to a visual stimulus, including the beauty of other women. We also respond to the pleasures of the male form – just not necessarily as much, or as quickly. So guys! Listen up! Our timing is different. We percolate, while you come to a quick boil. So don’t expect us to go from zero to sixty in ten seconds flat!

A significant difference when it comes to male fantasy

Men are happy to talk about their fantasies. Well, some men, and most fantasies. Particularly if it’s a fantasy figure – a celebrity, for example, with whom they enjoy imagining a sexual liaison. Women are often embarrassed to talk about any of their imagined scenarios. And that’s a shame.

Would a man comment on his most common fantasies? And might these same men have more than a soupçon of hope that we’d follow up by fulfilling them? Yet women typically fall back on more socially and culturally conservative postures. “World peace” was a funny extreme in my dream, but in reality, it might be something sexy – but without controversy – like a bubble bath à deux.

Go on. Give it a shot. Try asking some female friends. You’ll encounter extraordinary reticence, short of providing a pitcher of martinis to loosen those lips.

Women have been raised to not speak up, raised to lie back and accept, and raised to praise the male ego while expecting the man to read our minds and figure out what to touch, how to do so, and all without a GPS.

What if women did speak up? What if we shed our taboos, and shared fantasies with our partner? Might one or two come true? Or will that violate the sanctity of the private pleasures merged with the acts taking place?

Sexual politics in fantasy

We’re stuck in limbo between sexual desires, sexual politics, and political correctness. In other words, both men and women confuse a belief in gender equality with sexual fantasy. Not only are they not the same, but they seemingly conflict – a genuine problem for both sexes.

Disclaimer: heads and beds

Let’s be clear. I’m talking about what takes place in our heads and our beds, not to be confused with the very real issues of gender inequality that persist in our society (or elsewhere) – or issues of violence (towards anyone) that may take form in sexual behaviors.

Romantic fantasies we all enjoy

There are certainly different types of fantasies – some are idealistic and romantic. Those fantasies, you may get a woman to mention; who wouldn’t want world peace, not to mention a happy and healthy family, and a loving relationship that comes with bubble baths and candlelit dinners?

On the other hand, when it comes to sexual fantasies, a steady diet of baths and tea lights gets old if that’s all there is. Which is part of the problem for both sexes. We want a bit of spice, even if only now and then. And that’s where fantasy lends a hand.

Truth time – talking about sexual fantasy

For any number of reasons, men more willingly reveal their fantasies. Are they likely to change as we mature and gain experience, and also as we “check things off” a proverbial list?

Of course. The top 10 sexual fantasies for men and women will change and evolve. But let’s take a look at a few that always seem to come out on top, pulled from polls, interviews, and online forums.

Top 10 sexual fantasies for men

Girl-on-girl threesome: You may be the middle man, but in this instance, it’s to be relished. As the manager of the sexy sandwich, in this fantasy the guy gets his girl – and then some! Make it identical twins, and 7th heaven rapidly races to Nirvana.

Location, location, location – and we’re not talking real estate! In the car, in the kitchen, in the dunes -  anywhere that’s not at home, in bed.

Particular about public policy. No, not politics. Public displays of affection. Very public, and very affectionate. It’s a variant of locational change + the risk of getting caught. An elevator on the move, your office during business hours, in a dark corner of a fashionable bar. (Just keep in mind – if you actually take this one on the road, be careful to consider the local laws!)

Multiplicity, thy name is women. If two women to one man is good, a passel of pretties is better. This is the harem fantasy, each luscious lovely attending to her pasha’s every need. He doesn’t lift a finger, though his playmates certainly raise his spirits.

Older woman, take me in hand! There’s a reason The Graduate still holds up – up to a certain age, that is. It seems every “boy” wants his Mrs. Robinson to show him the ropes.

And speaking of ropes – take me I’m yours. Whether it’s the man hoping for the woman to dominate sexually, taking her pleasure (and thus prolonging his) or, the opposite scenario, the ties that bind might include ribbons, ropes or pink handcuffs; playful partners in domination and submission are a common fantasy that goes both ways.  And often, involving a mysterious stranger…

Roles in the hay: French maid, Nurse Nancy, or Naughty Schoolgirl. It’s a matter of coming with costumes, not just coming as you are.

Peeking Tom. You may not peep, but you sure want to peek. Watching your partner with another – man or woman – is a fantasy that comes with numerous variations. This one is particularly tricky for those who would turn imagination into reality. There’s a reason that fantasy is fantasy, and not necessarily taken to execution.

Shoes, hose, and then some. Sexy lingerie and the slow peel is an age old fantasy; the styles may have changed, but the principle is the same. Woman is shown to her advantage, complete with lacy and satiny accoutrements. And for many, footwear is an essential part of the equation.

Gang bang. Admittedly controversial, the gang bang or rape fantasy is more than a little “politically incorrect.” But very common.

It does point out the difference between fantasy and reality; whatever you may think of it, this common fantasy of multiple men and one woman is presumed to deliver pleasure to all parties.

Top 10 sexual fantasies for women

Women – you may leave it to the “experts” in the field to speak about your fantasies, or save your revelations for the privacy of special moments. Or, you may keep it all close to the vest, revealing little verbally, but expressing your appreciation for tapping into taboos with… engaged participation.

Here are some of the most written about, common sources of mind-conjured pleasure – and surprise, surprise – there’s plenty of overlap with the guys!

Sandwiches, female style. Two men, one woman. And for most (straight) women, the attention of the enthusiastic consorts is entirely on her needs, not on each other.

Doctor, doctor, come quickly! Women enjoy role play as much as men, and apparently, that includes passing the stethoscope. There’s no question that this particular childhood game palpates and palpitates its way into adulthood, bringing new meaning to doctor-patient privilege.

Hot lingerie and great heels. Feathers optional. Who wouldn’t feel sexy imagining herself in gorgeous underthings and heels? Especially if it’s fantasy, and your feet don’t actually hurt in your stilettos!

This is another shared fantasy, one he enjoys, and she’s happy to deliver.

Women are watchers, too. Voyeurism isn’t a dirty word, and it isn’t just for men. Both sexes fantasize about a sneak peek, shared on the page or screen, or more daring scenarios of clubs, other couples, or watching your partner with another lover.

Water, water, everywhere. Another variant of location, location – water scenes figure heavily in fantasy: swimming pools, jacuzzis, showers, secluded coves.  And if your personal water park isn’t that secluded? Then this fantasy merges with the titillation of playing in public. This one’s common for both sexes, too!

More is better: the woman’s version of the harem theme. As with the male fantasy, if two is good, three is better… or however many she cares to imagine, all there to serve her needs.

Stranger than fiction: Women frequently fantasize about lovemaking with a stranger, whether in trains, planes or automobiles. In exotic locations, or your local restaurant, the sexy stranger is hard to resist.

A business trip, a mysterious man, staring admiringly across the room. The thrill? In this fantasy, you can do anything. Inhibitions are gone with the wind; after all, you’re strangers. You’ll never see each other again.

Window dressing, and undressing. Surprisingly common, the flip side of watching is being watched. Many women fantasize about being on display, either simply observed, or while engaged in exquisite acts of sexual activity.

Girl times two. Yep, just like the male fantasy, where men want to watch two women, it’s not uncommon for women to imagine what it’s like to go girl-on-girl.

Force of nature. The notion of being taken by force is another common fantasy. Sometimes blended with the “stranger” theme. Force can be as benign as raising her arms over her head, and making love against a wall – passionately, where the operative term is passion, not violence. The man’s ardor is fueled by the woman’s response, and her response, by his primal need to have her.

There are a host of reasons these fantasies play in the imagination of men and women both. And that very fact is one of the reasons that they are fantasy – and often private. If your partner, male or female, wants to indulge, enjoy, and not discuss them – respect that privacy.

Torrid, not trashy

Torrid and trashy are two very different things.

Do you want your partner wearing a sexy underthing? Then pick up something silky, not slutty. (Unless slutty suits both of you, in a different sort of fantasy.) Generally, a little quality goes a long way.

Thinking of taking one of your fantasies a few steps towards reality, with a tryst in a little hotel? Don’t pick a seedy room. Make it memorable.

A caveat

I’m not a psychologist, a sexologist, a sociologist (or any other “ologist” ), nor am I a self-proclaimed “advice columnist.” So what qualifies me to write about this?

I’m a woman of a certain age, expressing my observations and opinions – the result of reading, research, discussion, and, well… my share of life experience.

Some of that discussion and experience originates from time lived in France – where eroticism and sexuality are embraced more naturally, discussed more openly, and with considerable humor and playfulness.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we enjoyed a dash of humor with our sex? Or a bit of whimsy in our fantasy?

And when it comes right down to it, who isn’t interested in hearing about  others’ fantasies, if for no other reason than to know how common – and natural – they are.

Fantasizing is a private pleasure indulged in by pretty much everyone, and yes, gentlemen, even women.

One more tidbit? It’s enjoyed not only in adolescence or your twenties or thirties – it needn’t stop at any age, for either sex.

One final note:

Fantasy is a powerful instrument of arousal and pleasure. When it stays private, it doesn’t put anyone in physical danger. Taking it the next step is a decision for consenting adults, to be exercised with appropriate care.

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy