Buzz over our favorite television shows, like reality TV. Buzz over Erik and Miles, name calling on Work of Art.

Controversy causes buzz; the public, revved up, riled up, and dealing with dashed expectations. It’s social media fodder. Word-of-mouth marketing. It spreads fast, attracts a wider audience, and puts issues out for debate.

Who would have thought that people would talk about art in any context, much less a competition concocted by reality TV?

Last week’s episode of Work of Art ignited the ire of many, with its talking smack, the dismissal of Erik from the show, and a rash of argumentation over the personalities, the format, the judging, the quality of the work.

Buzz – of any sort – over art?

Other than the sensationalism of a mega-multimillion dollar diamond-encrusted skull (hello, Damien Hirst), when is the last time that “regular people” talked about, blogged about, or argued over anything to do with contemporary art? So maybe it’s true – all press is good press?

People are talking – about art!

People are talking and writing about art. And no, not in the typical context of polite academic Artspeak. Or even the more cutting jargon of art criticism.

Take a look for yourself. There are more comments on Bravo TV’s Work of Art blogs than ever before, following last week’s show. And then there’s the Wall Street Journal’s Speakeasy blog, and Huffington Post Arts, and the LA Times. There are equally heated (and entertaining) conversations on specialized art sites like Art Fag City or Art Log, not to mention recaps by critic and show judge, Jerry Saltz, writing in New York Magazine.

Discussion is percolating outside this country’s metropolitan art centers. That’s BUZZ, people! And even bad buzz is good buzz, right?

All press is good press?

There are times when buzz can work against you – Sex and the City 2 had a great buildup. Avid fans of the HBO series always want more of the fabulous four. But the movie was disappointing. “Buzz kill” hardly seems sufficient, but I imagine that if there is a Sex and the City 3, we”ll flock to see it all the same.

Why isn’t the last episode of Work of Art a buzz kill?

Because there was nothing to lose. A start from ground zero. The subject of art is rarely on the mainstream radar. This is a win on many levels, even if not for the participating artists. On the other hand, who ever heard of Erik Johnson before this summer? It’s certainly a win. Just not the win.

Contemporary art – is it all subjective?

Whatever I may think of the format, the contradictions, the editing, the decisions, the level of talent brought together, this is PRESS. Publicity. Commentary on creativity, pop culture, contemporary artists. Perhaps not in the way the insular art world might prefer. But people are talking, looking, discussing – fine art education, the art market, the nature of criticism and competition. And yes, they’re even talking about the art itself.

Maybe Bravo knows what they’re doing after all – how to “influence” a situation in order to hold an audience, and yes – piss them off, if it gets them watching.

Tuning in, tuning out

Sure, the show could find more seasoned talent. The format could be tweaked to effect a variety of positive changes. Better challenges. Longer timeframes. Perhaps something more akin to Project Runway’s presentation of a collection among final contestants – an exhibition of a body of work that has allowed several months in the making.

Yet I stand by my belief that this is a good concept, and eventually – viable entertainment, with a side of education.

I love that discussion is dancing around the edges of the art world – viewers are arguing, blogging, taking sides. Engaged. It’s buzz. As for those who are so pissed off they say they won’t watch any longer? We’ll see. Maybe they won’t want to watch, but I suspect they will. People are curious about outcomes. A few may tune out, but far more – including me – will tune in.

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

This decision has been bandied about for awhile; I caught wind of it last year (and was amused), thinking it was unlikely to… well, fly. But apparently that’s not the case. Ryanair plans to offer “vertical seats” in a standing room only capacity.

Some 250 planes will be outfitted with these special accommodations, and the price discussed is a mere £5 per ticket. You got it! That’s all. Just don’t forget – bring enough cash to pay for the toilet. That’s right. You’ll be charged for the loo.

• Is this smart business, or just crazy?
• Perfectly acceptable budget travel?
• Would you fly SRO?

Who knows. Maybe they’ll throw in a free calendar.

But I wouldn’t count on it.

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

Breaking down

Two days ago my car broke down. I managed to get it to a nearby garage, where it sat, and I sat, and then was driven home.

What followed was a long series of phone calls, messages, automated customer service menus, and eventually my car was towed from the auto repair shop in one part of town to the dealership, some distance away. There, it appears to be awaiting exploratory surgery (still), and I suspect, more days for me to wait.

Meanwhile, without wheels, my planned week has been scrambled. I hope I’ll have a loaner by this afternoon. As for the cost, please pass the Pepto until I see the bill. Then we’ll see if I need something stronger.

Breaking out

But the break down also encouraged me to be resourceful. To reorganize my time. To rethink the rigor required in order to pursue daily exercise, to regain strength to walk miles to get things done – on foot. Just in case. Because you never know when one part of your life might break down – physically or logistically – requiring you to call upon another area of your life: your ingenuity, your stamina, your legs.

Routine

Routine is helpful. It gets us through impossible schedules, frazzled days and nights, and the stresses of contemporary life that would be untenable otherwise. It provides stability, and structure for discipline that might waver without it. I like routine. I need routine. But it can also lead to complacency, to stagnation. So there are times that I break it – intentionally – in order to break away from the usual, and see what unfolds.

Parenting

As new parents, we crave routine. Remember those first weeks and months of sleepless nights and endless worries? Everything is new; we can’t wait until we’ve figured it out, weathered a few years, adapting to each stage and grateful for periods of sameness. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it makes life easier.

Yet even when things are humming along, we may believe in change. In trying something different. We may choose to break the rhythm, deliberately.

When my younger son was in elementary school and then beginning middle school, he was doing well. Nothing was broken, but I sensed that he could do better. So I decided to push him. I changed the way I praised him for good performance, and instead, I challenged him to achieve outstanding performance. And he did.

How to change habits: creative change

Change is disorienting, whether you initiate it to shake things up, or it floods into your life against your will, as you’re left floundering, and ultimately – adapting. We fix things when they break, but sometimes, we break things in order to refashion them. To create change.

I’m planning on tweaking my Daily Plate of Crazy. Is it broken? I don’t think so. Will I break it all the same, just a little?

Possibly, in a good way. So that I may break out, break loose, experiment, and risk. Without risk, there’s no reward. Without experimentation, we don’t encourage learning.

• Ever feel the need to break something – in a good way?
• Does routine limit your creativity or encourage it?
• Isn’t all change a sort of breakage – with the past, with beliefs, with assumptions?

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

Then you reach for the porcelain vase, with its soft blue design of vines and blossoms. Next, an appealing piece of heavy glass, and again, you check the price.

You move on to the furniture dealer’s stall, running your hand across the worn surface of a drop leaf dining table. You recognize its tapered legs and pad feet, and your fingers feel along its underside for the telltale signs of legitimacy to its claim of age. Again, the price informs you – of potential value – or something to walk away from.

Each time you consult a price, you assess. But what exactly are you assessing?

What is the connection in our minds between price and value?

• Does a low price convince us that we’ve found a bargain?
• Or do we shake our heads and realize that the object must be a fake?
• Does a low price or no price mean little or no worth?
• Is a high price reassurance that we are in possession of “value?”

Pricing in business

When we set a price for goods or services in business, we are – of course – seeking to profit, seeking to sustain a viable enterprise that will continue to thrive. We price according to a variety of market and competitive factors, not to mention the costs involved in producing, testing, insuring, stocking, distributing, marketing, servicing and continuously improving what we offer for sale.

We also price according to psychological factors. A higher price implies value; it may even ensure a certain exclusivity (thus bolstering demand) – as with designer or luxury goods and services. We assume quality, as substantiated by an elevated price.   

Valuing ourselves: price tags on relationships

In personal relationships price and value are always at play. Some of us give ourselves away – our love, our support, our knowledge and assistance. We do so, thinking it is the right thing to do – the only thing to do – in family units, in communities. Those who are lucky receive in kind. Unfortunately, for many of us, in giving so much away the perceived value of our services (love, affection, assistance) begins to fade. All too often, so does our self-esteem.

In a traditional model of marriage, some choose to tacitly (or expressly) require outward signs of value. The expensive vacation. The upgraded diamond rather than the engagement ring from a decade earlier. The credit card bills that will be paid, no questions asked. The material, in exchange for the domestic, the emotional, the hard work of running a household and raising children.

Whether you agree with this or not (whether you judge it or not), it remains a legitimate model of exchange – and value.

Exchange of services

If I give away my writing in a professional context, then it is devalued. I have done this in the past, as a favor, or for individuals I wished to support, who had no funds to pay me. Some appreciated what I did, and I was delighted. Others sought to take more and more, gratis, leaving me feeling less and less in control and certainly, as though what I provided was neither valued nor respected. And clearly, I cannot pay my mortgage with gratitude – or by giving away my professional services.

To some extent, each of us gives ourselves away – here – in this “virtual salon,” as described on Motherese by Bruce of Privilege of Parenting. We share by choice, exchanging in something like equal measure. We are a sort of collective pool of learning and listening. This is not the way our society’s machinery works, yet it seems to work for a selected group of us.

Our currency of exchange is not dollars and cents, but words, ideas, laughter, and recognition. Kindness, as we stand by each other. Compassion, as we stand each other up in a world that would knock us down, divide us, isolate us, diminish our value in the private places of self where we have no precedence for pricing. Yet we know our need for a sense of worth.

The value of a price

I believe in price tags, just as I believe in the adage “you get what you pay for.” We price our output and our efforts, our knowledge and skills, and the work we do daily, whatever it may be. It is the payment method that varies – for parenting, partnering, or producing in other ways.

Even if the price does not equate to deposits into a bank account, it reflects value. It will mirror that we are respected and appreciated, or not. It will be expressed in behavior, in the provisions of a comfortable life, in sustenance for the soul.

Just as I might examine an antique closely, knowing precisely what to look for to assure that the pricing is a fair indication of value, so too do I understand that value is personal, changeable, and negotiable. Although I hold to the validity of “you get what you pay for,” ultimately, I insist that we do best when we trust our gut – with a bit of due diligence all the same. At times, we are given gifts of enormous value, and with no price tag. Except perhaps to pay it forward.

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

As the job market begins to loosen up, human resource managers might increasingly be surprised by an announcement from employees they haven’t heard in a while: “I quit.”

Catchy quote, isn’t it? And hopeful.

It appeared in The Wall Street Journal, as reported on Yahoo Finance. The article went on to suggest that economic times (and the job market) are loosening, and thus, those who are employed are beginning to feel a little more freedom relative to choices in their work life. This is a combination of factors – normal turnover picking up (leaving to advance in pay or responsibilities), as well as issues of retention (fewer resources expected to carry an untenable workload, and subsequently departing).

Still – leaving a job? That remains something unimaginable – to me – and I believe, to millions of others who have weathered waves of layoffs, scrambling for the next buck, living off debt, or worrying about the next round of cuts.

The article goes on to say:

Before February, the BLS [Bureau of Labor Statistics] had recorded more layoffs than resignations for 15 straight months, the first such streak since the bureau started tracking the data a decade ago.

Would you quit your job?

There was a time in my life when leaving one job for another was a matter of setting my sights on the next challenge (and pay jump), and going for it. I was able to transition from one position to another, smoothly, for more than 20 years. I felt I had choices. In fact, I did have choices.

After children, options narrowed in what is not an unusual set of compromises, most typically for women. Work-life balance determined my career moves, as job satisfaction dropped on the priority list in favor of adequate compensation and flexibility to raise my kids.

Quit? Not even a consideration. I would still be in my former corporate position had I not been a casualty of a major restructure, just as my family life was going through an involuntary restructure of its own. What about you? If you could, would you dare to quit your job?

Work-life balance

Ah, the elusive term “work-life balance.” We talk about it. We write about. We try to live it. Some manage to do so more easily; others, not so much.

What have you changed in order to seek – and attain – something like balance? Are you still looking to achieve it, as a function of changing priorities that come with time, parenting, or other life events?

Do you work to live, or live to work?

How do you feel about your job?

Are you currently in a job that you find satisfactory? More than one job?

Another Wall Street Journal article points out that the job market in this country is picking up, but slowly. Delve into the data, and note the caveats associated with that uneasy interpretation.

So what do you think? Are you sensing improvement in your industry? Your region? Are you feeling more confident about the future?

How has the recession affected you and your family?

I’ve written directly and obliquely about the recessionary impact on my family, not to mention my self-esteem. Producing high quality work and being paid for it has been part of my life since I was a pre-teen. Providing is essential to who I am, and how I feel about myself.

While contracting and freelancing as I’ve raised my children has afforded flexibility, it has also meant instability, lack of benefits, and exclusion in any government reporting relative to the job market – one of the many reasons I tend to discount claims of improving opportunities, especially for those aged 45 and up. Just how many of us have fallen through the statistical cracks?

What about you? How has the recession impacted you?

• Your spending in general? Vacations?
• Your educational plans for yourself or children?
• Your living situation?
• Your dreams, your belief in “the system,” your day-to-day life?

Do you believe that things are looking up?

…

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

Money

Money. That’s the usual answer. A goal for many of us, once upon a time. Still for some, I’m sure.  A measure of worth, based upon pay.

So often it is the professional’s measure of having arrived. Financially at least. These days, it may be relatively early in one’s career. And for women? Once upon a time, it meant the world to some of us to pierce the six-figure barrier.

I did that once, as did my friends, somewhere around the age of forty. And yes, after many years of study, educational debt, 70-hour work weeks. It was sweet. Very sweet. But it seems like another life.

Of course, the money would be fabulous, but as a measure of worth? No. That was a different me. That is not this me.

Milestones

Those days of that particular earning power seem distant. Dusty.

There’s 100k of another sort that’s been on my mind lately. Yes, a goal. A marker.

• Do you have milestones that you’d like to achieve?
• 100k of one sort or another?
• Your first $100,000 in revenues for your start-up?
• 100,000 Twitter followers?

Perhaps your 100k is part of an explicit plan, or maybe you don’t speak of plans, of your most special agendas. They may live in your childhood dreams, or new dreams. They may be grand or small, seemingly ordinary, but very important to you. Achieving a milestone feels like a deep breath. Celebrated publicly or privately; reached, and then set aside. To pursue another dream, another goal.

More. The best possible “more.”

100k

For me, 100k is something else.  A measure of a very different sort.

100,000 hits. Page loads. Part of an experiment begun not quite one year ago. It is a small victory. A moment of !!! Never part of a plan. Never expected. And part of a writer’s private smile. Satisfaction. Yes, a moment of happiness, knowing that it’s just arrived. This milestone. And this thank you.

100,000 hits on Daily Plate of Crazy. Not a finish line. A beginning.

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

Can’t say I much like labels. And I strongly dislike labels that tend toward mutual exclusivity in the way people slap them on their foreheads and parade about. Or slap them on the next guy, and judge.

Personally, I’m pessimistic about individuals stepping into another’s shoes, and finding compassion, or at least room for doubt. I’m optimistic about my younger son being in a fine mood once the school year is done.

See? Context.

Why do we insist on categorizing everything? And so superficially? How can we forget about context when it comes to human emotion, interaction, or undertaking?

Pragmatism

If I’m backed into a labeling corner, I’ll call myself a pragmatist. At least it allows me a little wiggle room – adult assessment of circumstances, likelihoods, accessibility to the daily mood map.

I’m awash in positivity on some scores, and on others, not so much. Doesn’t that sound more like real life? Experience teaches many of us to be pragmatic. But I will say that I have learned to moderate my optimism when I feel it, and find this useful.

The glass is half full

You know the familiar test – the glass is half full or it’s half empty. Based on your response, you’re deemed an optimist or a pessimist.

Ugh. Give me more to work with!  If it’s a tiny glass and it’s filled halfway, I’m still thirsty after my few drops. The damn thing is half empty – I want a bigger glass! If it’s vodka in that container and I need to drive my kids – hello? Pass me a juice box please. And if I’m not thirsty, isn’t my perception of the glass irrelevant?

Simple tests, simple conclusions. (Simple minds?) Certainly, oversimplified classifications. And without context? No validity.

Optimism, Pessimism, Pragmatism

When you’ve taken some hits, it’s hard to believe that things will turn around. You look over your shoulder or hold your breath, anticipating the next wave. The bad break. You don’t see it as pessimism; experience teaches you to hunker down, or at best, to hedge your bets.

When you’re riding the crest of multiple successes, it’s easy to project positive energy. As for what’s rolling around behind the smile? Who knows. Some of us genuinely feel optimistic. Others may carry insecurities that preclude them from fully enjoying their good fortune.

While I won’t dispute that some individuals are sunnier by nature (and others, quite the opposite), I’m not entirely convinced that an optimistic or pessimistic attitude affects outcomes. Relationships? I think so. One’s pleasure in being alive? That, too. But as a critical success factor? From what I’ve seen of the big bad business world (at least), that depends on the context.

Moderating optimism

Life has taught me to go for it and win, to go for it and lose, and no matter what – to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on chugging. The net – for me – is cautious optimism in some circumstances, and my flavor of pragmatism in others. Assessing risk, probabilities, and dividing my time and effort accordingly, among responsibilities and opportunities.

That means investing effort, but not self-esteem. Not in every undertaking.

When I rack up a “win,” I’m thrilled. When I hit a bad patch, some might say “it’s not meant to be.” My approach at this stage of life – learn what I can, and move on as quickly as I can.

The latest (and greatest?)

In recent weeks, multiple business opportunities have presented themselves. Some were promising, but didn’t pan out. Some I pursued with a vengeance, as a function of great fit between the skills required and my particular expertise. I have a few pokers in the proverbial fire, and I work them with enthusiasm, while moderating my optimism.

I’m used to Murphy’s Law dogging my endeavors, and unbridled positivism no longer suits me or the reality of my life. I’m glad of that, recognizing this self-protective mechanism as part of my resilience. I have no emotional skin in the game.

When opportunity knocks, do you answer?

Each time I undertake a new challenge, or compete, or encourage my kids to do the same – I hope I am exemplifying moderated optimism.

I consider this approach – for me – the right one. I continue to pursue dreams and chase opportunities, my practical side insisting that I not get carried away. This enables me to stay grounded, while conserving mental, physical, and emotional energy.

Will I reach my goals?

I can’t know that yet. But I do know I won’t succeed at anything without risk. So I forge ahead, with operational enthusiasm and emotional reserve.

• Are you willing to risk, knowing you may lose?
• Do you see the world in terms of wins and losses?
• Do you approach business challenges with a plan, or plunge in?
• Do you operate in the same way when it comes to relationships?
• Do labels like optimist and pessimist serve any purpose?

For more articles on Life Skills:

People Pleasers – just say no!
Happiness – the latest trend?
Success (my way)
Teach me to fish. Please. (The necessity of life skills.)

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

Keeping the Peace?

Sometimes you take exception to a decision, yet you nod in agreement, or you simply let it pass. You justify your acquiescence as keeping the peace, or knowing when to pick your battles. But something else is going on. You worry about saying no. About ruffling feathers. Or worse.

So you keep mum. Or you say yes.

Sometimes you hear yourself saying yes and you wish dearly that no would roll off your tongue, but it seems so much harder, more frightening, capable of unleashing a string of consequences that don’t bode well. Anger. Resistance. Disapproval. And now yes is the habit of a lifetime, the habit of your relationships, the habit of your role at work.

If you always say yes, where do you put no? Anxiety, migraines, sleeplessness, the nightly glass of wine, the cigarettes, the growing depression?

Sometimes, you spend so many years accommodating – everyone – that you forget to accommodate yourself, wondering when “you” got lost in the mix. Your life is filled with many good things, but something doesn’t quite fit. You don’t quite fit. You’re not unhappy exactly, but nor would you say you’re happy. But then no one’s happy, right? Or so you tell yourself, seeking solace.

People Pleasers

And if I said that people pleasing is a woman’s issue?

Think about it. Who do you know that’s most likely to capitulate, to compromise, to self-sacrifice – even to step into the doormat role on a regular basis? Who puts everyone’s needs before her own, believing that it is the better path – or the only path?

Do these behaviors begin in our homes as children? Do they find reward in the classroom, in the adolescent dating waters, and then the workplace? Are you rewarded for pleasing, but at great cost to self-esteem, and even, ultimately, earning power?

Do we eventually learn to use our people pleasing behavior in ways that benefit ourselves?

According to an article in Psychology Today*

The typical People Pleaser is someone who lacks an internal compass to gauge the value of their own actions, explains Linda Tillman, a psychologist at Emory University. “As a result, they spend their lives looking for validation from others.”

The Child’s Desire for Validation

What child doesn’t seek the comfort and approval of a parent? Who among us doesn’t remember wanting to please those we loved, those in authority, those we admired?

The same Psychology Today article cites psychologist Jay Early, author of Finding Your Life Purpose.

“Often, parents will simply tell kids what to do and never encourage them to assert themselves,” he says. “When the kids obey, the parents give them conditional love.”

And when parents are physically or emotionally abusive, when they are absent, when they are erratic in doling out love or approval – the seeds of people pleasing behaviors are planted early, and reinforced. Not only does the child seek validation, but avoidance of pain, or the foreboding sensation that disapproval promises dire consequences.

A Society of Silent Women?

Silence as tacit consent can be destructive. Compliance, as a way of life, can be demeaning. People Pleasing, taken to an extreme, undermines an ability to function independently, or to direct our lives according to our goals rather than those of others.

Women who suffer from people pleasing behaviors may not be literally silent, but – and I include myself here as a recovering People Pleaser – we are silent in voicing our true expressions of self. And in acting on them.

We know ourselves as the tireless team players, the volunteers who rarely (if ever) say no, the cheery jugglers who are admired by others. But we fall into bed at night depleted, feeling as though the day’s accomplishments are insufficient, even if we ticked off items on an endless list. And incidentally, as the years wear on, frequently those items only peripherally involve us.

• Must we fear losing friends if we decline the latest request for our time?
• Must we fear the top of the layoff list, if we don’t always put in extra hours?
• Are we worried about our relationships, if we say no when we want to say no?
• Must women ask permission or cultivate consensus where men would never dream of doing so?

People Pleasing – a Syndrome?

I have spent my life in the pursuit of goals and simultaneously seeking to please those around me. Is there any crime in wanting a pleasant environment? A cooperative team? A tranquil household?

I find nothing inherently wrong with a desire to please others or give pleasure. The problem arises when the scales constantly tip in favor of choices that are not in our own best interests. Or even, when behaviors are laden with motivations (conscious and otherwise) that drive us to please others in ways that are compulsive, that obscure our own needs and wants, or obliterate them altogether.

Should we coin another syndrome, another personality disorder? Might we have a brave new pharmacological solution for this condition, a vague reference to the brain’s misfiring in Area 25, and a pill to miraculously restore our psychological balance of power?

I suspect that’s already been done. And yet People Pleasing is not so simple, and nor is it always a disadvantage. But taken to an extreme, the behaviors set us up for being benignly or maliciously exploited. People Pleasers are prime targets for narcissists, often gravitating toward each other, playing out subconscious scenarios that go unrecognized at the time.

Parent Pleasers

My own bouts with people pleasing derive from early training, absorbed in childhood, and reinforced throughout my marriage.

I was a Parent Pleaser. My father was often away, and my mother was the textbook narcissist – an imposing, even frightening force. Pleasing her meant greater likelihood of not incurring her wrath – her booming voice, her verbal lashing, or any other form of punishment for stepping out of line. And stepping out of line generally meant doing or saying whatever displeased her at a given moment. I learned the necessity of yes – to anything she asked.

Thus, my parent pleasing was less about the carrot than the stick. I was conditioned to avoid pain, and educated as the “good girl,” occasionally garnering reward in the form of parental approval.

Partner Pleasers

I love giving pleasure, and that includes pleasing a man – in all ways. I may be more straightforward than other women in saying as much, but I believe many of us acquire the art of partner pleasing – in and out of the bedroom. Not only do we find it useful (some women use it to wield power), but many of us find pleasing others in bed – and in life – genuinely satisfying. Ideally, this is a two-way street, but that isn’t always the case.

Pleasing a partner is multifaceted; as with all things between two individuals, this movable feast of emotions, actions, and activities dwells in a highly personal and very private space.

When pleasing a partner grows into an inequitable balance – sexually or in any other way – problems arise. Many women swallow the bitter pill, and accept the situation in order to remain in the relationship, to retain financial security, or a familiar emotional and social landscape. To provide stability and continuity for their children.

When People Pleasers are Parents

Are you a People Pleaser? Are you raising your children to be People Pleasers?

• Are you aware of offering conditional love, conditional approval, or bending your child’s will to your own?
• As women, are we bound to pass along people pleasing examples to our daughters more often than to sons?
• Are we teaching peace at all cost, happiness of others first, accommodation in place of questioning?

There are no quick fix solutions to achieving healthy interactions with others, no perfect measure of conciliation and argumentation. I have no  ten tips for your quick consumption – though I’m sure they exist. What I do possess is my own journey from an uneasy childhood, my misjudgments carried into adulthood, and enormous introspection as I have parented, encouraging both yes and no – in myself – and in my children.  Even when it has meant conflict.

Pleasing Ourselves

Must we toss away our people pleasing talents altogether? And they are talents, finely honed skills, and useful. Our most charismatic personalities are People Pleasers – successful motivational speakers, sales people, fundraisers, PTA organizers, celebrities, and politicians.

There’s nothing wrong with people pleasing; in fact, there is much that is right. It is a matter of impetus and of degree. It is a matter of how you feel – about yourself, your actions, your purposeful inaction.

Even for those of us who have tumbled into the trap of a lifetime of people pleasing, we can learn to transform some of these behaviors into advantages. We use them to make friends, to network professionally, to be conciliatory when it is truly required. We learn to please bosses and spouses and those in the public arena whose help we may need.

The problem comes when we don’t dare to displease.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

At a certain point, the light bulb goes on. We may think – it’s too much, I want to find myself again, I want something for me.

The People Pleaser personality may be one thing, but the skills are quite another. We needn’t cease pleasing people; we need to moderate our diet. Just as the narcissist might seek to curb her excessive ways. Or, the socially anxious, to interact with less fear.

When it comes to people pleasing, it is not about stopping altogether; it is about awareness, and management of feelings and behaviors.

You can find plenty of lists and articles when it comes to curtailing people pleasing behavior. Some suggestions may work for you; others may not. My experience tells me that modifying any behavior is a slow process, a matter of practice, and determination. I continue to work at this precarious and essential balance, daily. Learning to say yes – to what is most important – by saying no.

*Psychology Today, “Field Guide to the People-Pleaser: May I Serve as Your Doormat?”, Elizabeth Svoboda, May 1, 2008

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

There are times you’re too rushed to get to everything scribbled on the daily checklist. Not even close. So you ask for help, and it arrives. You breathe a sigh of relief.

There are times you’re too worn out to get anything done. You ask for help. Perhaps you’re so weary you can’t even string together the words to do that. Amazingly, assistance arrives. A kind soul (or a smart kid) steps in and lends a hand.

There are times you wish you hadn’t been overrun and overwrought, pressed by impossible schedules, too fatigued to kick your brain into high gear so that you could process new information. Or even old information in a new way.

These are times you wish you’d chosen the rod and the reel over the ready-made meal. Insisted on practicing the wisdom of the Chinese proverb: “Give me a fish and I eat for a day. Teach me to fish and I eat for a lifetime.”

Learning

Of course we learn more easily when we’re young, when we aren’t stressed, when we are interested in the subject matter. But many aspects of life require that we learn strategies and explicit skills in order to survive.

No one disputes that we must learn to

• Feed ourselves
• Keep ourselves safe
• Communicate
• Earn a living
• Deal productively with others
• Manage money

And there is plenty more I couldn’t possible enumerate here, not the least of which has to do with parenting, politics in the workplace, and in today’s world – the ins and outs of technology.

There’s no question that most of us are still “trainable” and willing to take on new topics with zest, even as we get a little older. I know that I am. Learn more about modern art? I’m a captive audience. About what motivates people to do what they do? I’m fascinated. The “craft” beneath various types of writing? I’m in!

Hardware, software, and then some

But CSS? PHP? I’m a writer and marketer, a full-time single parent. Must I really master configuring networks, outsmarting recalcitrant printer driver downloads? Must I learn to manage Internet security across multiple operating systems, laptops and desktops? Replace laptop batteries? Keyboards? And this isn’t just about keeping our household running, it’s about the business of writing. My business.

I love this brave new world of technology. I hate this brave new world of technology. But poke me. I’m overwhelmed.

Kids and technology

My teens text, Facebook, download, install, format, reinstall, and master a breadth of skills I skim with partial understanding. They navigate through Vista and XP and now Windows 7. They manage fine when required to maneuver on a Mac.

Over the years, my elder son has been the IT department. He’s kept everything humming – the networks and printers, the hardware and software. The technology infrastructure upon which we depend – the kids for their social networking and their schoolwork, and me, as a writer who most frequently works remotely, from a home office.

Can we even imagine our lives without the Internet? Without the connectivity that is now so much a part of the routine – in our careers, our relationships, our keeping tabs on the whereabouts of our children?

Learning – the hard way

For the past four weeks, when hack after hack on my (former) hosting provider’s site brought my technology infrastructure tumbling down, it’s been more and more clear to me that I allowed my son to give me fish, when I should have insisted that he teach me to fish.

There have been times when I’ve asked him to explain particular things, and his response has been: “It’s faster and simpler for me to just do it.”  Tired and usually under time constraints, I was, to be frank, happy with that answer.

Certain skills I will never possess; my son is a born engineer (and has been dealing with hardware for years). He can take apart and fix almost anything, including a dead computer. And just has. But as for the many other things I could have and should have learned, in anticipation of depending entirely on myself?

I know now that I took the path of least resistance.

How to acquire technology skills

I need to learn more about things that don’t fundamentally interest me, but are part of my job as a parent, as a writer, and a member of many professional and personal communities.

Where do I begin?

I have some ideas. And the fact is I’ve learned a great deal through trial and error, through perusing online, and by exchanging with Internet friends and readers. I need to learn more – by walking through tutorials, risking that I may mess up when I try something on my own, and by insisting that my son be patient with me as I ask questions, and take notes on his answers.

He may be annoyed; it will be a gradual process. But in the long run, whatever technologies or life skills you depend on, “teach me to fish” is the better solution.

• What do you wish you’d learned younger, or when you had the opportunity?
• Do you believe men and women learn differently?
• Do you learn easily, or is it a struggle?
• Do you learn from your kids?
• Do you depend upon a spouse for certain knowledge and skills?
• What do you need to learn, that you’ve been avoiding?

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

Men do not equivocate. They do not couch their opinions in language that weakens the message. Women acquire softened speech, a habit of qualifying, and it pervades thought, feeling, and perception.

I am a woman. Yet I do not equivocate in my choice of words, my body language, or my decision-making. Except – and this is important – if it serves my purpose.

And that, in itself, is thinking like a man.

Men are schooled to be more goal oriented, doing rather than feeling. Focus is placed on destination rather than journey, and result over process. Has this changed in the past twenty years? It’s not my impression.

Gender roles, gender bias, gender pick-and-choose

Am I looking to shed the beauty of my gender, or to slot men and women into neat little boxes? On the contrary. But as a woman in a competitive world, we have things to learn from our men – just as they have much to learn from us. And we can choose how we think, if not necessarily how we feel.

If I say I think like a man, I will also mention that isn’t the case on every dimension. But I will say this: As a woman, I have greater freedom to think and act in ways that are both womanly and manly – and do so to my advantage.

How men approach problem-solving

Who hasn’t experienced the clear differences in men and women, when it comes to solving a problem? Most women wish for a kind and supportive ear, a discussion, and not Prince Charming to swoop down with an instant solution. But that doesn’t rule out the fact that at times – that’s helpful. It’s a matter of careful listening, and discerning when suggestions are being solicited, versus conversation to air concerns.

I do like to offer solutions, but I choose to listen and assess. There are times to nod and support. There are times to offer suggestions.

Gender Think vs Gender Speak

What is Gender Think versus Gender Speak? What words take form inside your thoughts? What words do you choose before you talk? This is an issue of developing habits in speech, and acknowledging the confidence – or lack of it – that comes along for the ride.

Likewise, I’m recommending attention to body language, some of which emerges naturally. I have found that when I eliminate qualifiers from my speaking, I stand up straighter. My tone is more sure, I come across with more authority. And my body language changes.

Our words and their delivery affect perceptions and thus, reality – our perceptions of self, and those of others concerning us. Diction is a way in which we can transform ourselves – at any time, and any place. It costs nothing to do so, does require practice, and observation as to how the change in language is working – effectively or not.

Life is not binary; in that way, I think like a woman, or a man who has some years under his belt. There is greater awareness that black and white assessments are rarely on target. There is no “one right answer” to most issues, no “one right way,” with very few exceptions. Even those exceptions are based upon a moral code which is a product of western society.

My language – including inner dialog – reflects my appreciation of the grays, but it does so with assurance.

Think like a man, act like a woman

I know there’s pop culture literature out there about thinking like a man, and acting like a woman. Frankly, even those words confuse me. (Another sign that I think like a man?)

As for acting like a woman – I’m feminine, I’m flirty when appropriate, my body language responds when I am attracted to a man. I love my perfume, my hot shoes, my lovely attire, and yes – my inherent sensuality, my capacity for empathy, and my natural intuition. These are attributes which may come more easily, but not exclusively, to women. As for desire? I am free to mask it, or reveal it, as can a man – without ever speaking a word.

Do I really think like a man?

I think the way I think. In direct fashion, simultaneously considering multiple possibilities. And I have learned, through practice, to express those possibilities with confidence.

Romantic interpretation, Reading faces

Care for some examples of reading men, as well as accepting that you cannot read a man? Or is this an issue of reading anyone until you know them, and even then, you may be deceived?

• If a man isn’t calling, he isn’t interested.
• If a man says he wants X, he wants X.
• If the direct route doesn’t work, then a man takes an alternate path to get what he wants.

Take a look at some of the images here, of men. Their faces and their body language. Can you really read what’s behind the eyes? The smile?

Is body language more telling than anything? With the gestures and poses, do you know more?

Even if a man is direct, does that mean he won’t have multiple agendas any more than a woman will? Of course not. We all have agendas, just as we all have times we go with the flow. Our capacity to read another’s unspoken objectives is a function of expectations, wariness, wisdom, and experience – or inexperience. Reading expressions cannot be perfected, but it can be improved.

Ironically, but not surprising – most think like a man, act like a woman articles I’ve encountered are targeted at women (clearly) and deal only in the romantic arena. Any “think like a woman, act like a man” literature? Right. Is this yet one more way that men and women are different? Do women gravitate to emotional and interpersonal spaces, or are we in fact consumed by them?

Sex: Why I think like a man

I do not believe we are meant to be monogamous. I love the idea of monogamy, but its practicality for thirty years? Or forty, or fifty? I suggest that requires openness, curiosity, corresponding levels of libido, and luck.

I believe sex may be enjoyed tremendously, with or without deep emotional attachment. Passion does not convince me that I am in love. Passion is one thing; love, quite another. Even in the world of sexual fantasy, men and women are more similar than most (women) will admit.

Love does add a dimension to sex that is extraordinary, and must be experienced to be understood.

Ambition: Why I think like a man

I do not think about being happy; I think about feeling good, about achieving, about the journey to achieving and how good that feels. I set goals. I go after them with everything in me. I love the feeling of both. And then I set more goals, and go after them, with everything in me. My goals include giving back. I know many men whose goals include giving back.

I will clarify: my integrity is integral to my character, and I will not achieve my ends at the expense of my ethics, or my relationships. I do not think of this as being “womanly.” I believe it is what used to be known as an honorable man. We have, in contemporary society, lost sight of the value of an honorable man.

Love: Why I think like a man

I understand that love is an expandable room of invisible forces. I know this not from stories in childhood, not from feel-good depictions in film, but from life experience. I understand that love is not an absolute, nor a single color, nor a single combination of behaviors or words. Love does not conquer all. But life is richer with love in it.

I think like a man who is growing older. One who has come to pose questions. To look beyond surfaces. To take time for reflection. For men, this comes more readily with age or hardship, as vitality yields to vulnerability, which in turn offers fertile emotional terrain.

I understand human failing. I find beauty in the entity as a whole, including the flaws. In this, I am very much a woman.

Men and control, manipulation vs management

A desire for control is not gender-specific. There are controlling men, controlling women, and narcissism abounds in both sexes.

As women, we can learn from the context and ease with which men exercise a sense of control; expressing ourselves directly, without qualifying our language and thus compromising our opinions. Unless it achieves a goal – conciliatory, flirtatious, or whatever objective you have in mind.

Some may argue that this is manipulation, and that manipulation is at the core of a woman’s nature. I would respond that manipulation is a term that bears negative connotations. All euphemisms aside, manipulation is the mastery of getting others to do what you wish. It is a tool in negotiation, sales, management, counseling, teaching, and parenting. So let us use more palatable words after all, less likely to offend: persuade, convince, or effectively manage.

Why I am glad to be a woman: emotions

I believe women live closer to sensory and sentimental territories. And I am glad.

We feel our bodies rise and twist, ache and ease back. We feel this monthly, for much of our lives. We feel this as life grows inside of us, and for decades after. We dream this beating, rolling, roiling landscape, and it feeds us and informs our judgments and our actions. We allow ourselves a wide sweep of emotions and their expression: sorrow and tears, joy and tears, delight and laughter, pride and smiles. We know our fallibility, and we should view this as a strength. We understand the value of our inner work and its ongoing pursuit.

Our culture supports us in all of this, though anger is frowned upon; women are disparaged for expressing rage or outrage. This is a register of the emotional spectrum considered standard fare for men, and “unattractive” or unacceptable in women. Similarly, sexuality as we grow older is more likely to be ignored in women, and assumed, if not applauded when it comes to men.

Why I am glad to be a woman: freedom

As a woman, I am nonetheless freer to pick and choose those acquired and natural aspects of self that suit me. Some are traditionally feminine, and others are traditionally masculine. Men do not possess this freedom; certainly not until they are considerably older. Gender roles persist; men bear more expectations than ever, more confusion than ever.

A woman’s life is no less encumbered, but we have choices we do not fully recognize. Certainly, the way we speak. Certainly, aspects of the way we think.

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy