By Anonymous B
I wish Luke would stop pushing on the sex thing. I’m not ready. Why can’t he leave it alone? He keeps telling me I’m old enough and I know that. He’s a nice guy, it’s been months, I have feelings for him but not the same feelings he has for me. I don’t want this. Not yet. Sometimes he’s even repulsive to me. What a terrible thing to think.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe this is why I’m not on the pill and I don’t carry condoms. Then I can say I can’t, and it’s true.
July 10, 1986
School will be starting before I know. Told Luke that I didn’t want to see him anymore. He cried. Didn’t expect that. Feel terrible, but glad I didn’t sleep with him. Need to go to as many parties as I can when the semester starts.
Feeling so alone. I want a man, but not any man. I think I’m ready but maybe I’m not or I would’ve slept with Luke. It’s not like I’m 16. Don’t know. At least I’m not playing games and I’m not being hypocritical.
Wish I’d done more reading this summer. Wish I didn’t think about sex all the time.
October 19, 1986
Met an interesting man tonight. Man. Not a kid like Luke. Okay, that’s not fair. Luke is 20. But this guy is a law student. Don’t think he was attracted to me, not at first. Maybe after awhile as we talked. Maybe I imagined it. He didn’t ask for my number.
Wish I were thinner.
November 2, 1986
Saw him again. Another party and he talked to me for a half hour. Maybe longer. I’m attracted to him. He was more comfortable talking to me this time I think. Gave him my number. They never call. Not the ones you want to call. 130 pounds. Can’t say I blame him. He’s cute and he could have anyone. It’s so hard to diet with all the food in the dorms.
November 7, 1986
Law School guy called. Wow.
November 10, 1986
I guess we’re friends. I was really hoping this might be something else. He’s cute and he’s smart. I like that he’s older. We can talk about anything.
We went out for a drink and wandered around downtown after. He’s seeing someone, or was. Recently broke up, on again off again, he’s still hung up on her. I guess he thought of me as a nice person. Maybe I should’ve slept with Luke. So frustrated.
December 3, 1986
He’s called to talk three times. I’m falling for him but not. I think that’s good. He’ll finish school in the spring and go back to the Midwest. That’s his plan. I have plans, too. And something serious isn’t part of them.
He’s older than I thought. Late twenties. I told him about Luke. He wanted to know how I could date a guy for so long and not sleep with him. I don’t think he’s interested in me. He thinks of me like a little sister or something. He hasn’t tried anything. Not anything, but he asked me out again. He said I was pretty but my self-esteem needs work. As if I don’t know that.
l like him more each time we talk. We’re going out again this weekend. I know I should be working on my psych paper but all I can think about is his body and the weight of him. What that must feel like. His ass in jeans is amazing. Nice hands. His eyes are blue and his hair is dark and wavy. He has a kind of Clark Kent look. He wears glasses, too. I didn’t think of that before. Now I can imagine him as Superman when the glasses come off.
I wish I could find my workout tapes. Like I have time for that.
December 14, 1986
We’ve kissed, a lot. It’s really good. I don’t care if I’m his rebound girl. He’s sweet and he doesn’t push and I like that. Maybe it’s just physical for him and it’s fine by me. I know he likes my company and I know he wanted me last night. It was obvious when we were dancing in his room. No way he could hide the excitement, even if he didn’t act on it. God I wanted him so much I thought I’d explode. I want it to happen. I don’t know what he wants, but I won’t say no.
He’s not so tall, maybe 5’6 or 5’7. He’s sexy though. The way he looks at me. Luke was tall. Dana and Kathy thought I should have sex with Luke. They thought he broke up with me. He was nice looking for sure. But there wasn’t an attraction. I don’t know. Not enough something. Too much something. And if he really wanted me, why didn’t he have condoms?
Law School guy seems so confident.
I need to study. I can’t concentrate.
December 21, 1986
I am no longer a virgin. There. It feels good to say it. Thank God. Law School guy was gentle. It hurt, but he was slow and kept asking if I was okay. He stopped after a minute. There were tears. I was embarrassed but he was sweet. He said it was like in the movies, but why the tears. He wanted to know if it was pain or the monumental emotion of the moment. That made me laugh. I really didn’t know why. Relief, maybe.
Then he explained some things. Details of what feels good to a guy and how to touch him. I knew a little of this from Luke but less than I thought. He doesn’t assume anything and he doesn’t condescend. He touched me too and it was different than with Luke. I was floating. It’s not romantic between us, but it’s not unromantic. I finished him in my mouth. He said the sex itself will get better for me.
After, we drank wine and talked about all kinds of things. We made love again a few hours later. It hurt less but it still hurt. I feel okay though. Better than okay. Kind of light and clean. That’s funny. There’s nothing dirty about this at all. It’s clean. I feel so clean.
So glad this is behind me.
January 24, 1987
We’ve been seeing each other whenever we can, even through break. My mother wanted to know why I was going into the city. I made up an excuse each time.
There’s no pretense. We like each other and it’s good. We laugh and talk. We play. I feel free.
His body is beautiful. Can a guy’s body be beautiful? I love touching him. I love seeing the way he responds. I love watching him move around his room. I love seeing him after he takes a shower. He lets me look at him and he laughs when I tell him he’s beautiful.
We make love, we eat pizza, we drink wine, we talk. I’m beginning to understand. This is something you get more comfortable with. You go with it. I feel strangely good. What was I so afraid of? There’s nothing fearful in any of this, not anymore. I suppose I had to be ready.
July 4, 1990
Nice having the day away from the office for the holiday. I didn’t do much today, but I took a long walk and then went to the pool. Crowded, but I knew it would be. I wish I’d get my period. I’m late, though it’s probably stress, and only a few days. It’s not like it was a one-night stand and unprotected, but God, I don’t need that kind of decision on my hands. Work is good, life is fine the way it is. I don’t want complications to deal with. He’s out of town with his daughter for a week. A divorced man. Wouldn’t have thought I’d see a divorced man, even casually. He’s still in his twenties and he has a kid and an ex-wife. That’s crazy.
Dana just had a baby. Hard to imagine. Marriage and babies. I’m too young. I’m not ready. I hope this is sorted out before he gets back. I think it’s over between us anyway.
My mother called last night. My parents are splitting.
© Anonymous B
Part 5 in a series on first sexual experiences.
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