Anyone who has spent time participating in social media has seen their share of bad behavior: name-calling, meanness, and of course there’s spam. Anyone who has a blog – or reads them – has waded through comment sections, tiptoeing around the spurious and vicious remarks, trying to get to the heart of the matter.
We shrug it off, we poke through the weeds to get to the flowers, and we tend to dismiss the messages that are buried within words that offend. This is a shame. At times there are nuggets from which we might learn. Nuggets – dare I say it – that we could benefit from considering.
We all experience moments when anger or fear gets the best of us. We’re human. We feel. But when we communicate through cruelty and callousness, isn’t it all so off-putting that we discount the content of the message itself? Aren’t nasty digs and mocking behaviors counterproductive? Wouldn’t it be better to get the point across effectively?
The definition of cruel:
willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress; enjoying the pain or distress of others
The definition of callous:
insensitive; indifferent; unsympathetic
The definition of counterproductive:
thwarting the achievement of an intended goal; tending to defeat one’s purpose
What do we teach our children when we observe their cruelty or their indifference? Don’t we admonish them, and deem those behaviors wrong? Moreover, doesn’t virulent delivery obscure the point?
I spend a fair amount of time on a diversity of sites. I enjoy them. I learn from them. They also reflect our society in microcosm – with all the good and bad that implies, along with the advantages of anonymity to those who would hide behind the lack of accountability that results. So let me mention another term, certainly one of the challenges of contemporary culture, and the free-for-all that characterizes our communication style online.
The definition of community:
the public in general; society; a group of people having cultural, religious, ethnic, or other characteristics in common
As for community, we are more than a single group held together by common beliefs; it’s easy to make assumptions about others based on limited (or no) information. It’s equally easy to stereotype – in the real world and the virtual one. But as factions splinter and dissent among themselves, as tempers flare and arguments grow heated or turn nasty, how can we offer opinions constructively if we are cruel or callous?
There are times I say things I wish I hadn’t. Naturally, I try not to do so, but I’m far from perfect. And so I apologize if I have offended, hoping to do better in the future.
I would propose that we think before we speak, and certainly before we write or comment in our various venues, so we may better maintain thriving communities and an exchange of ideas. And I will offer another trio of C’s: courtesy, civility, and consideration.
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This is a great reminder of what being part of this community means. Fortunately, I’ve been witness to more good than bad…in keeping with the theme of 2011. I’ve made friends and connections with other bloggers. But I’ve also seen how anonymity can bring out the worst in people, like cyber-bullying. Here’s another word for people who use the internet to be cruel, callous and counterproductive: cowards.
That would be wonderful. Though, granted, I am known to fly off the handle if I get passionate about something. Still, I can resolve to think more. 🙂
another great post.
A variation of the carpenter’s maxim of “measure twice, cut once”…
Think twice, write once.
Well said, Zammo.
Think before speaking?!? But this is America! 🙂
I couldn’t have said it better myself, BLW and Zammo! Great food for thought.
Now, the downside to thinking twice, writing once is that the visceral, emotional element may be lost. For myself, this is not an issue because I tend to write in a more cerebral style than an emotional one. Some writers need the unrestrained feelings of the moment to connect with the reader emotionally.
It just gets cloudy when writing about one’s own personal experiences versus writing about issues of general, social concern.
Excellent point, Zammo. But nothing prevents the writer from expressing in raw and visceral terms, then waiting a moment to filter, retaining the emotional power, but removing the cruelty that ultimately weakens the message. So maybe it’s write once edit twice?
Think twice, write once, edit twice. That seems better. It’s just that on a blog with comments, sometimes it’s impossible to go back and edit! That’s frustrating, especially for someone like me who makes typoes!…. wait, typos. Sheesh.
Sometimes it takes getting much older to learn to think before we speak (or write). I think I’m better about it now than I was in my youth, but the years have made me mellow. Passions run less rampant nowadays.
I think that we also need to remember that written communication is more challenging than verbal because it comes without cues. There are times when no offense is intended but the words don’t show a smile or a shrug.
They don’t portray body language and so we get stuck in confrontations that might not otherwise exist.
I agree with you in general, Jack. Ambiguity rules on the flat page or screen, except when vicious words and name-calling are clearly and unequivocally spelled out. And it serves no one.
I used to read the comments on my local newspaper’s online edition. I just can’t do it anymore because people just spew the worst, judgmental bile imaginable. While they couch it in terms that will slip them past the moderators, their intent is clear and corrosive. It is beyond disheartening and yes, completely counterproductive.
This is a great article and actually just happened to me on my blog. My husband’s ex-wife often leaves virulent and ugly comments, but the last one was such a doozy that I had to blacklist her. She does as well on my Huff Po articles. It is tiresome to deal with that type of behavior, and it also turns people off from your site. Who wants to deal with all that drama?
Insensitivity is hard to deal with both in person and virtually. Where it might sometimes take more effort to be physically caustic, it seems that it comes much easier when you are safely hidden behind a computer screen. The only up side is that there is a DELETE button that can remove the most caustic remarks if needed. Too bad we don’t have one for those that look us in they eye.
It be so great if you culd go back and edit your commets on someone’s blog after they’re potted.
Wouldn’t it? 🙂