Comments on: Living together – separately

By: Living Separately – Together « The Critical Path

Living Separately – Together « The Critical Path — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 22:32:09 +0000

[...] a recent post by Big Little Wolf entitled Living Together – Separately, she points out how the economy has forced some couples to live in different cities in order to [...]

By: Ambrosia

Ambrosia — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 20:49:40 +0000

An interesting question. I think you already know what I think about this. : )

I’d be curious at how they resolve their conflicts. Gottman, in his many years of research, found couples that were perfectly happy. The thing is, they avoided conflict. Yet, they loved each other. They didn’t feel upset. So, I wonder if this could be stretched to this research. These people need their space. They feel comfortable with their own surroundings. However, they love their partner/spouse. They just don’t need to be with them all the time. I can understand that. It is something I am beginning to feel, myself. Heck, my husband is gone all day long. I only see him at night. It is like we live this way already! Except that his home is school. Too bad for him.

By: Natalie

Natalie — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 18:38:51 +0000

My sister in law and her boyfriend are going to be doing this for at least 18 months, possibly longer, when she returns to Michigan to head up a marketing push. They just moved in together, too.

There was a segment in For Better or For Worse many years ago – after her mom dies, Ely’s dad remarries a woman who lives in the same apartment building. When they get back from their honeymoon, they both go home to their separate apartments. April asks Ely why they would do that. Ely replies, “because they are very smart people.”

By: Kristen @ Motherese

Kristen @ Motherese — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 18:37:58 +0000

As you know, I am part of a traditional married couple replete with traditional living arrangements. But Husband and I lived in separate cities for five years before moving in together and eventually marrying.

I know that the statistics suggest that couples who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to divorce – and that some people’s ethics preclude it altogether – but living together afforded us a critical opportunity to make some compatibility checks that aren’t really possible when living apart.

In all things, people should do whatever they need to, to make things work. For us that was living far apart, living together, and then marrying.

By: dadshouse

dadshouse — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 18:33:10 +0000

I would rather have nightly spooning than to live separate with someone. If you’re living separate, you’re sort of just friends with benefits. No? Feminine energy is a wonderful thing, and if I’m coupling up with a woman I’d rather bring that into my house than call for it when the feeling strikes.

By: April

April — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 18:01:08 +0000

There was also an article about this in Time/Newsweek/something like that a year or so ago. I don’t know if I can track it down again, but it was about a NY couple where each kept their own apartment, had dinner together, and then said good night. They were really content with the arrangement (they were even legally wed), but they admitted it might become problematic if they decided to have children down the line.
You already know that I have no interest in pursuing any long-term relationship right now, but if I were to consider it, I think I’d prefer this. I’m far too set in my ways, and this sounds like a nice compromise since I wouldn’t be raising children with someone. If the girls are still around, I’d prefer it to remain just the 3 of us most of the time, and if they’re out on their own, I’m going to want to revel in some alone time!

By: Deesha

Deesha — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 17:10:36 +0000

Thanks, BLW! And I totally meant “CONTINUE” our current arrangement, not contain it. Thanks for inspiring a blog post in me!

By: Momma Sunshine

Momma Sunshine — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 13:22:27 +0000

My man and I live in separate cities, a 3 hour car drive apart. This situation is not likely to change any time in the near future, as we each have children from our previous marriages, in our home cities.

Most of the time, I have to say that this isn’t a horrible situation. Right now we see one another every other weekend, which is hard at times, but honestly, if we could bump that up to every weekend, I would be happy with the arrangement for a good while to come. I love him and I know that he loves me, but for right now, anyhow, having our space isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I read somewhere recently that long distance relationships actually don’t have any greater failure rate than “traditional” ones. So obviously there are lots of people out there who are making it work.

I think it’s imporant to remember that there are all kinds of relationships out there, and we each have to figure out what works best for us (or at least, what we are able to work with until the situation can change).

By: TheKitchenWitch

TheKitchenWitch — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 13:20:26 +0000

I remember Katherine Hepburn saying that her idea of the perfect man was one who lived next door, so he could come visit for a while and then get the heck out. That is one wise and fierce dame.

I love my husband but he snores like a warthog. I’ve resisted having separate bedrooms, but I’m also kind of sick of being exhausted all the time.

Long distance relationships are probably very hard, for all of the reasons you’ve mentioned, and I wouldn’t want one of those. But, as Virginia Woolf posited, “A Room of One’s Own?” More sacred than we know.

By: BigLittleWolf

BigLittleWolf — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 13:09:52 +0000

I thought of you as I was reading this article last night, Deesha. And I do believe that people can make this work, and as in any relationship – truly committed relationship – there are pros and cons to whatever the living arrangements entail. I also think about military families, who have always had this situation to deal with, but they also have a community that serves as family, when spouses are away.

I worry about the lack of traditional community in this approach, and the growing isolation in our country, for too many of us – in relationships or not. But I do think the couples like you and your soon-to-be-husband will make this work. Successfully.

(And congrats again on the book! Fantastic news!)