We all want to be loved. Do you know anyone who doesn’t?
Everyone I know is looking for love, bored with love, worried about love, recently in love, just out of love, heart-bruised, heartsick, or heartbroken. When it comes to matters of love, why can’t we seem to get it right?
We hear about heart healthy eating, heart healthy exercise, even heart healthy drinking (don’t forget that red wine). So how do we get heart healthy in love?
It ought to be simple
Sure, we’re concerned about our kids, jobs, blood pressure and cholesterol – all of which takes priority in a pinch. Okay, much of the time, depending on the age of our children and our stage in life. But what’s next? Love.
Yet there’s no personal trainer, no vitamin plan, and no course in college for heart smarts. There’s “just life,” and there’s nothing just about it – in any sense of the word.
The Love Biz
You know I’ve been thinking about the Love Biz lately. But with all the so-called help available, we still can’t seem to get it right. Perhaps our expectations are askew, and we’re looking outward at times we should be looking inward.
Personally, I’ve always found experience to be the best teacher in everything, despite our tendency to think that wisdom lies in punchy, superficial checklists found online! But if I believed that only experience could guide us, then I’d have nothing to offer here, right?
I do think knowing yourself helps. So does paying attention to warnings (disrespect, disregard, dishonesty, as examples), and learning to communicate clearly. Other than that, I think we can recognize emotional situations – our “heart smart status” - and tinker with behaviors accordingly.
Up to bat:
Baseball anyone? Well it’s a great analogy for the points I’d like to make. And the first time you’re up to bat when it comes to love, it’s thrilling – you may get a hit! Or, you may strike out. Just because you fall for someone doesn’t mean they fall for you.
As in any game, it’s best if you can size up the situation before too much emotion is invested, but that takes time and experience. So – the more you socialize, the more you taste different kinds of love, the easier it is to read the signals and know if you’re headed in a good direction.
After heartbreak:
After a relationship ends, most of us bench ourselves. We sit out, until we heal. Unfortunately, not everyone is that wise; I’ve known men and women who jump back in the game quickly – either for sex, or for a relationship. 
Why not? Well – for some it may work, providing distraction and good times without too much involvement. But others go so far as to dive straight into another marriage, only to find themselves divorcing again, a year or two later. It’s important to know when to bench yourself.
Same swing, every time:
I have one friend who has repeated his love behavior for 15 years, and can’t fathom why he’s had no success at love. In fact – he has, but for the short term. He’s a bit of a Pygmalion, seeking girls to transform into “his kind” of woman. He chooses a considerably younger “fixer-upper” (his words), who ultimately leaves him. She’s better off; he’s brokenhearted.
Same behavior every time? Don’t expect a different result.
The underexposed heart:
One gentleman I know had benched himself for years, a matter of family and health issues. When he finally got in the game, he was in his forties, but with the heart-smarts of a 20-year old – inexperienced at loving, and at recognizing the compromises that are part of being loved.
His heart was underexposed. But he did put himself out there, and is feeling his way, at a pace that suits him.
The overexposed heart:
Sometimes you’ve played in too many games, or pitched too many innings without relief. In other words, some of us love too easily, too often, or too ardently. And not just a partner; heavy-duty-parenting love can deplete the heart’s stores, making other kinds of love difficult.
I admit, I fall into this category. At least, for now. And I recognize that the overexposed heart may seem distant. It needs rest, until it’s strong enough to step up to the plate again.
The healthy heart?
Our hearts expand and contract as we field all kinds of emotions. But in the long run? Our capacity to love is infinitely expandable. If we’re lucky, the healthy heart grows smarter, we improve at giving and accepting love, and at recognizing better choices and more constructive behaviors.
After all, love is a beautiful game. And the season is much longer than we realize.
© D A Wolf
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Interesting post. I think my heart is much healthier than it was right after my divorce. That said, I don’t always make the best choices. I make different ones, for sure. Like you said, it’s a long season. Life long.
If you always do what you always did you always get what you always got. The concept of change being inevitable doesn’t always apply to love … or finding love.
A thoughtful post. Thanks for your perspective.
TC!
Welcome, and thank you for commenting! Agreed on your first statement. As for love? I think the concept of change does apply. Sometimes we don’t realize it, or see the need for it.
This is an excellent “Likert scale” portrayal of heart behaviors. It is very helpful in seeing my situation too. Thanks!