You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, right?
It’s an adage that many of us learned. I suppose I believed it until I no longer considered myself “young,” and fearing I might now be “old,” I sought reassurance that I could still master a few new tricks.
What sort of tricks? I wasn’t sure; I was restless, out of work, and alone with two young children. I sensed there was more – much more. That opportunities would present themselves.
I could still learn, question, go after dreams, and dare a new, even unsanctioned path. Of course there were a few aches and pains, not to mention the responsibilities of taking care of my family. But this was about exchanging the comfort of the known over the unknown. I needed – I wanted – to push boundaries. In a way, to rebel.
What was I really after? A sort of awakening.
I thought of it as rebellion with reason, and to some extent, within reason. I also wanted whatever I considered within reason to be movable, a journey, continuously expandable.
But would I, could I, should I have to jump through hoops to push my boundaries? And which boundaries?
Personal boundaries: physical space
We all know that boundaries are learned in childhood – the result of parental behavior and teachings, culture, and often, religious beliefs.
The nature of touch, and our feelings about the proximity of others are two lessons absorbed early. We know we need human contact; it feels good. And contact comes in many flavors: affection or consolation, sexuality or intimacy. And more. 
But the wrong sort of touch at the wrong time? We’re threatened, and legitimately so. A few inches of space between bodies – or no space at all – is not the stuff of routine exchange. We have a kind of invisible fence around ourselves. Ever notice that when your personal space is breached, you immediately take steps back, or assert yourself in some way to reestablish your comfort zone?
Personal boundaries: safety for the self
We’re all aware of what happens when a child’s personal space is violated – through sexual abuse or violence. Adults can also harm a child with words that confuse or denigrate.
The young self is forming and malleable. Disregarding boundaries (physical, psychological, sexual) can cause repercussions that last a lifetime. Is it any wonder that all our early experiences teach us about limits?
It’s a matter of ensuring self-protection. And we use the lessons learned (positive and negative) throughout our lifetimes; discerning who to approach, the context, or who we allow to approach us.
Consequences of crossing the line
From the time we’re tots, we absorb the rules of our many communities, our sense of right and wrong, and the consequences (usually presented as dire) if we step over the line. Learning no, and to say no, as well as to say yes is part of defining limits.
We deal with all kinds of personal boundaries, often reevaluating them as we grow up and grow older. We also reassess what may happen if we overstep, or cross the line.
As an example – I was raised to tell the truth. Any lie was unacceptable, and severely punished. So I didn’t lie. Ever. As an adult, I’ve learned the art of the white lie, to protect someone’s feelings. The moral consequences I felt when I was younger don’t come into play. For me, it’s not crossing the line of a moral “absolute.” It’s moving the line, appropriately.
Moral relativism? Perhaps.
Other boundaries we might we cross or outgrow? 
We have parent-child boundaries, relationship boundaries, and boundaries we may unconsciously set that we ought to discard – those that keep us “smaller” than we are. For example, there are self-limiting roles – in jobs and marriages that don’t work. Or perhaps we live with emotional distance because it feels safer, or a belief that we can’t learn another language, become a photographer, take up painting, or write poetry.
These esteem-oriented limitations strangle our dreams. Who says we can’t learn Japanese at 60, or debut our sculpture at 70? We change, we grow. We also grow bored.
And when we’re bored, we want to cross the line, or move it! We gravitate to greater challenge, and we long for more excitement.
Exposure, information, desire, and experience
Yesterday I perused hundreds of images in art history and contemporary portraiture, in researching why nudes and nudity cause such a stir. Some images were erotic (a judgment call), some pornographic (a judgment call). It had me pondering limits, and exercising them.
In other words, I considered the limits of propriety (choices and behaviors reflecting a social context), the potential sensibilities of readers, and the explicit or implied rules of conduct in this online environment. What I realized – my exposure, knowledge, and experience of many things has changed in the past few years. Dramatically. Images I would’ve found shocking seven or eight years ago simply strike me as human.
Exposure to new sights and sounds, information that we absorb, the desire to know more (and see for ourselves), and the actual experience of trying something new all add up to redefining personal boundaries.
We may be enjoy the new experience and say yes, I like this, I want more. And in pursuing more, we’re moving the line. Or, we have a less than favorable experience, and decide not to cross that line again.
Personal boundaries: sexuality
The realm of sexual behavior is certainly one in which tastes change as we’re exposed to broader lifestyles, more cultures, and new partners. By the time we approach middle age, many of us have forgotten that sexuality can be fun!
Most of us begin experimenting (and rebelling) when we’re teenagers, and continue to experiment into our twenties. The dynamic of family obligations, work, fatigue and other factors contributes to an eventual routine that we seem to accept.
But why do we accept it? Are there alternatives to monotony other than infidelity?
We may genuinely be content with things as they are. Or, we may have grown more conservative as we age. For some of us, experimentation in younger years was plentiful, and sufficient.
And then there are those who did little experimenting, like myself. When I was younger, I studied, traveled, and worked. I was all about responsibilities and achievements. What followed was marriage, children, illness, divorce, and other events reminding me that time is precious, and passes too quickly.
What did I really want? What really mattered to me?
I knew I wanted to raise my sons in an environment of love, respect, acceptance, and learning. I knew I wanted to write – and write well. I also wanted to explore many things in myself – that I had been too busy or too afraid to explore. That included relationships that were tender, exciting, and intellectually challenging.
I wanted to move personal boundaries that seemed too confining.
The role of trust in sex
A few years back, I was researching an article and reading about domination and submission in sexual games. What I learned was not what I expected.
Respect and communication are fundamental to the rules of the game, as well as the mutual pleasure and intimacy that result. It’s logical; all relationships are about bonding and limits. Sexual relationships are no different, yet we’re often reticent to articulate boundaries or desires.
In domination and submission, communication is critical. Partners seek to push their sexual limits in ways that may not be for everyone, but they do so within a framework of agreement and respect, with limits defined up front and followed. A safe word or action is used to signal “stop” if anything makes the submissive partner uncomfortable. It’s a matter of trust – trust that limits will be respected. Otherwise, the relationship disintegrates.
Moving sexual boundaries
Who can honestly say that their sexual taste hasn’t changed over the years? Our sexual boundaries are always in some sort of flux; the libido can be a roller coaster (for many reasons), and suitable partners – those who attract us, those we love – may not always be available. So sexuality may constrict at times, and expand – or wish to expand, at others.
Pushing boundaries is a choice; exploring what feels acceptable, exciting, emotionally satisfying, and fun is always within our grasp. It may may be as simple as speaking up. 
It’s worth noting that many women feel freer as they age, able to shed restrictions imposed by conservative childhoods, tacit rules in marriage, the fatigue (and interruptions) of raising children, not to mention worries over pregnancy.
Curiosity and experimentation are human, and while they are anticipated (and tolerated) in adolescents, we squelch these wonderful attributes in ourselves, as adults. It’s ironic, considering we’re better suited to assessing the boundaries to move for our own pleasure, and our partner’s.
Jump through hoops?
Reinvention? Yes, to some extent that’s what it takes. Reinvention as an ongoing and affirmative process.
Have I found my limit to pushing my limits? Not yet. Jump through hoops? Well, I could probably hula hoop… Enjoy games with a loving sexual partner, ensuring physical, emotional, and psychological safety? Definitely.
Push boundaries professionally and creatively? Absolutely. It’s synonymous with growth.
